The Best Decison He Ever Made

Yes, I did wear a strapless leopard print bustier to my son John's wedding reception.

He married a young woman named Kate. At the time, I think I was hating to lose a son, and not realizing I was gaining a daughter.

In fact, it took me a few years to fully understand that I had gained more than I had lost. John and Kate have given me four of the most perfect and beautiful grandchildren ever. I have Hannah Rose, Emma Rose, Abigail Rose and Aidan Fitzgerald. It really does not get better than that!

Hannah, could leave home tomorrow, at the age of 16, join any army and be a General by the age of 20. Emma is also a stunningly beautiful girl and totally owns my heart. Abbey is a character and I adore her. Aidan is the most sensitive and intelligent little 9 year old boy who ever lived.

Back to my son's bride, Kate. She and I were "estranged" for years. I hated that but blamed her. What nonsense! I suffered from the normal "how could another female replace me!" syndrome.

Thank God it passed.

Life is so much better when you have love in it. Don't waste a moment of time on any other emotion. And they say, a son is a son till he takes a wife, a daughter is a daughter till the end of your life. Don't believe it!

My daughter-in-law, Kate, is the best thing that ever happened to me and my son. I adore her and I'm so glad she's mine!

A Catholic You Were Born

I had the good fortune (or misfortune) to be raised Catholic.

The early indoctrination was a mixed blessing to me. I think I was about 3 when I was baptized. By the age of 7, I was seriously thinking that I might have a calling to be a nun, or a bride of Christ if you prefer.

At the age of 12, I had a confirmation ceremony and I was really hooked. Two years later, I began to think it was pretty much bunk and that I had been sold a bill of goods by the nuns and by my parents.

I made up sins to confess until I was 14. Then I actually had sins and I conveniently exchanged them for other sins when I went to confession. I figured I was covering my bases.

I did the penance for being less than honest, but did not admit to stealing cigarettes from my mother, (in other words, one "Our Father" and 10 "Hail Marys").

A year later, I admitted to "impure thoughts" although the truth was I "proved my love" to a high school romeo and then more or less quit going to church.

I read where the Catholic Church (the Vatican) is trying to save a woman in Iran from being stoned to death for a charge of adultery. In the first place, shoot, if that's the law, that's the law. I'm sorry Girl, but you took your chances and lost. I would have done the same thing.

The Catholic Church seems awfully damned concerned about this woman's punishment. (Why only in Iran? Why not in Saudi Arabia too?) As far as I'm concerned why isn't the Catholic Church telling it's parishes to wrap up in a condom so they don't spread AIDS? Surely that's as important as one woman in Iran.

As long as the Catholic Church is encouraging "no contraception" for it's members, I have to take the whole thing a lot less seriously. We have seriously overpopulated the planet. Is that less a sin than using a rubber?

Sorry, but bullshit is bullshit!

What is a "Cloaca"? And Do I Have One?

The answer to the second question is no, I do not.

The answer to the first question is very interesting to me. As some of you may know, I am not a farm girl. I may have been a counterfeit cowgirl once, but that's not the same thing at all.

I recently read an article by my friend Fred Miller that made me very curious about chickens.

Fred made some remark in this piece about eggs coming out of a chicken's butt and I was shocked that Fred didn't know about hen's vagina's, which unlike hen's teeth, I figured were a sure thing.

In fact, whenever I have worked on a poor bald chicken or turkey and pulled the stuff from that cavity between it's legs, I have felt a little sad about those chickens or turkeys and their missing vagina. It's bad enough getting killed, decapitated, plucked, stuffed and cooked but to have your private parts taken too! That's disgusting.

Well, I come to find out that chickens do not have a vagina. They have a "cloaca", a Latin word for "sewer". The chicken's waste and reproduction and egg laying all comes out of the same place, (or goes in the same place in the case of semen).

Oddly, roosters seem to have a cloaca too, but they also have an internal penis that comes out to deposit semen into the hen's cloaca for a few seconds. They call this a "cloaca kiss" which I find kind of sweet.

I still wonder what happens to the cloaca of these dead birds,but in truth, I might not want to know.

My Favorite Ex-Husband

My favorite ex-husband's name was John. He's dead now, but he's still the best of any of my other ex-husbands.

I married John when I was 19 and he was 24. He was in sales and had a lot of personality. John was cute too.

He had just finished serving in the Army in Germany for 4 years when I met him. I thought he was smart and I decided he would be a good husband for me. When he proposed I said "Yes!"

I was a stay-at-home wife for a while and I made friends with the milkman, a cop who worked nights, and a stripper lady who lived in our apartment complex. My husband did not particularly like my new friends. John worked long hours and he was very successful. I was pretty bored except for reading romance novels and talking on the phone.

After a year of marriage, I got pregnant and we had a son when I turned 21. After having the baby, I wasn't really very interested in my husband any more. But, despite my lack of interest, we had another baby, a girl, three years later.

We divorced when our daughter was an infant and our son was three. I really wasn't sad about it because I don't think I was ready to be married at that point in my life. I really was not much of a wife. He really wasn't much of a husband either. But he was a nice guy.

It did not worry me that I would be a single mother to two kids; I knew it would be easier than the wife thing. (I was too young and stupid to know it was hard.)

John met and married a lovely woman a couple of years later. I was very pleased to see him with someone who was obviously so right for him. They were very happy together and adopted a baby boy. We used to spend holidays together as a family when the kids were young. It was nice.

I was very sorry when John got cancer. I did everything I could to support him and his wife until he died. Honestly, he was about the best ex husband a woman could hope for.