She Said "Fine"

My husband, Alex, is on vacation next week.

That's nice, right? Uh huh.

Alex made a plan to go visit his mother in Phoenix and catch a Giants spring training baseball game. Uh huh.

He will be leaving on Tuesday morning and coming home late Thursday evening. Uh huh. That leaves Monday and Friday for us to enjoy "vacation" together.

Well, okay, it was my suggestion. Alex brought it up and at first I thought we would all drive down to Phoenix. The problem is that we have two big dogs. Harry, the boy dog, doesn't like to travel. He can't sleep in a moving car. In fact, he can't even sit down.

After 4 or 5 hours in the car, Harry is whimpering and crying with exhaustion. I guess I could drug him, but then we'd have to deal with a drugged standing up whimpering and crying Harry.

Another issue with Harry is that he does not like to poo anyplace but home. This makes for an uncomfortable couple of days for him. Harry doesn't like travel in other words. And, kennels are out of the question. Both of my dogs have "issues".

After some consideration, this began to sound like a lot more trouble than it was worth. I told Alex, "Honey, you just use your airline miles and go down to see your Mom."

Alex immediately said, "Oh no, I can't do that! I travel all the time for work, and I leave you alone far too much, my darling wife! There is no way I would even consider doing what you have suggested!" Uh huh.

Well, actually, that's not exactly what he said. He said "Oh, okay." And I responded "Fine." Maybe I will send him along some nice almond scented cookies for his plane ride. I do look quite fetching in black.

Where Did He Go?

I have a husband.

My husband is the same one I've had for 21 years. His name is Alex.

From the time we got married, Alex has found places to hide from me. I don't know why he does this, but he does. At one point many years ago, I was mad at him and Alex hid in the house for 3 full hours. I never could find him until he came out of hiding. I searched everywhere. He had disappeared.

Over the 21 years of conjugal bliss, I have lost a lot of my passion. I no longer scream at my husband or try to shoot him. (That was a joke. I never tried to shoot him. Poison him? Maybe.) But even today, his disappearing act has continued.

Alex disappears for hours at a time. When I call him and say "Where are you?" He sometimes answers "Right here." But I have no idea where "right here" is. Our house has three levels, one being a full basement. That basement contains the laundry facilities and what can only be called "the man cave".

The house proper has 11 or 12 rooms. Now don't get excited because most of them are relatively modest. Because the house is 130 years old, there are lots and lots of weird spaces in it. If Alex chooses not to be found, he won't be.

I love my husband but this behavior of his can make me tired. I've been known to take off all of my clothing and run around the garden screaming "I'm free! I'm free!" very loudly until he comes out of hiding out of fear that the neighbors will call the police.

My Persian girlfriend and I used to run up the hall at work naked with a large black man on Friday afternoons screaming "I'm free!" That was very fun and that's why I still do it.

Camels In Cars

I have always had a certain fascination with regard to the Bedouin tribes.

These nomads of the desert are such romantic figures. I've seen them portrayed in movies and I've read numerous stories about them.

When my husband Alex was stationed in the middle east for a year during the Iraq War, he spent a good amount of time in Saudi Arabia. During some of his "cultural field trips" in Saudi, he claims to have seen numerous Bedouin people. While I believe a lot of what Alex says, there are some times when I question his veracity.

Alex told me that the Bedouin people are mostly seen now driving SUV's, with their camels in the car with them. It was not unusual he said to see camels' heads stuck out of the sun roofs on as the people drove down the freeways.

When I mentioned this to some friends because I thought it was amazing, they burst into laughter and said "Alex is kidding, Linda." The subtext being "how can you be so stupid?" of course.

When I confronted my husband saying "Why did you lie to me?" he responded that he was telling the absolute truth. He saw Bedouins driving along with their camels in their SUV heading out into the desert. Alex further elaborated that the camels can "fold up their legs" and fit in an SUV just fine.

Okay, I have no idea if this is the truth or a lie. I think it makes some sort of sense, but on the other hand it doesn't. What self respecting Bedouin would only have one camel? I think they have a whole herd of camels.

But maybe Bedouins only take their favorite with them when they go to town.