“It always looks darkest just before it gets totally black.”

That is a quote from Charlie Brown.

I think it kind of says it all. I passed a house in my little island town today that had a little Charlie Brown display outside of it.

I made Alex pull over so I could take a photo. That tree, that sad little ornament, that little piece of blue cloth at the tree's base was so wonderful it took my breath away.

There's a little bit of Charlie in all of us even if we don't like to admit it. Whether we are taking the cork out of a lovely 2006 Paraduxx from the Napa Valley, or opening a box of wine from the bargain section at the supermarket, we are more the same than we are different.

We went to a little Christmas party this evening. Because my neighbor was having the party, I felt a little obligated to attend although I knew that my neighbor had invited mostly people from her church. Because Alex and I are devout pagans, I thought we would feel a little out of place with the Bible people.

Although the conversation never really turned to religion, I found that most of the people were actually very nice. In fact, surprisingly, it wasn't even difficult for me to keep four-letter words out of my conversation.

I was so fucking happy when two hours had passed and we could come back home.

But What Do I Do With It?

I like dogs.

Anyone who knows me, knows I like dogs. I have two at the present time. I love them both.

A friend came over and gave me a gift for Christmas. She knows I like dogs so she gave me a dog plate.

This is not just any old dog plate. It's a plate made by developmentally disabled people which I think is a great thing. It is sort of a goofy looking dog, but then a lot of dogs are sort of goofy looking. Still, I'm just not sure exactly what to do with a dog plate.

If I tried to use it to feed the dogs on, it wouldn't work out very well. In the first place, both Harry and Honey are accustomed to eating out of dog bowls. I think bowls are neater for dogs than plates. Also, if one dog got to eat off the plate, the other dog would get pissy about it.

My husband said I should use it for Christmas cookies. I would hesitate to eat a cookie off a dog plate because I would wonder if they were actually dog cookies. I just don't see it.

Several years ago, a friend gave me a coffee table book called "Dick Art". (No, that's not like Dear Dick, who art in heaven.) Now, I like dicks as well as the next girl, but this was something I just couldn't figure out what to do with either. I admired it for a few minutes and then put it away in a box. (Yes, we all have "those" boxes, don't we?)

Maybe I'm seeing a trend here. Since I'm known to like dogs, (and dicks for that matter), maybe people think it's an appropriate gift for me.

Personally, I have to wonder what ever happened to just a set of kitchen towels? I know exactly what to do with kitchen towels. Keep in mind, they don't have to have a dog or a dick imprinted on them either. But I'd probably use them even if they did.

There's A First Time For Everything

I have never before had Christmas lights on my house.

I've never even thought about having Christmas lights on my house. It just seemed too big a task. Putting up Christmas lights is daunting enough, but then you have to take them down too.

If you leave your Christmas lights up after March 1st, everyone will know that you are an alcoholic. Your neighbors will listen for the recycle truck and listen to the tinkle of the wine bottles you forgot to wrap in paper so they wouldn't know how many there were.

You will be fodder for community gossip. And I hate it when that happens. People already chatter about me and my high heel shoes for heaven's sake.

Okay, yesterday I walked out to get my mail. I have a next door neighbor named Mary who has a fabulous Italianate house. She had two men working on putting up Christmas lights. In the ten years I have lived here, Mary has never had Christmas lights. Her recently departed husband did not want them.

One of the men was very tall, maybe 6 foot 17 inches tall. He was also black and good looking. I am never a woman who will not speak to a great looking guy in the yard next to mine. I went over and introduced myself and shook his hand. I exclaimed over how wonderful it was that Mary was getting lights.

I told this great looking man that I too would just love to have lights on my house! Ramon said unfortunately, they were too busy to schedule any more lighting projects this year.

I gave him my "there might be something really nice in it for you if you'd reconsider" look, and said sorrowfully, "Would you please just take a look at my modest little house and give me a ballpark idea of what it would cost for me to have Christmas lights?" He walked over in front of my house with me clinging to his arm.

He smiled and said, "Oh this would not take much time at all! I could do it for you for $150." I squealed and said, "Oh I wish you could take on this little job!"

Ramon succumbed to my feminine charms and said "I'll do it for you this very afternoon, Linda". I hugged him and said "muchas gracias" since he's from South America and speaks Spanish.

My house looks very cool with my first Christmas lights ever. Ramon will come back in early January and take down the lights. I look forward to seeing him again.

Martin, Cloe, and Me

In a perfect world, I would be spending Christmas with Martin and Cloe.

Martin (not his real name) looks like a pretty nice guy. I like his holiday sweater. There is something very special about his relationship with his cat, Cloe (not her real name).

They both look calm and content. I am nervous and discontent. I think Martin and Cloe are planning a little dinner at home on Christmas Eve. Maybe just a couple of friends will come over to Martin's magnificent condo and enjoy an elegant repast.

Martin and his friends will drink Pouilly-Fuissé and enjoy crab legs in mustard sauce. They will listen to Georg Friedrich Handel's Messiah on CD.

About midnight, his friends, after finishing their coffee and almond torte, they will embrace and depart. Martin and Cloe will lie down on the dark green leather couch and turn on the television and cover themselves with a cashmere throw. Cloe will lie on top of Martin's chest and purr contentedly.

My Christmas will not be like Martin's and Cloe's. It will be noisy and nerve wracking. I have not yet started to Christmas shop. I have not yet thought about Christmas cards.