How You Can Tell When My Husband Is Away

This is how I will be dressed.

Yes, I will wear the stilettos with my robe. And I will wear the diamond earrings with the jade bits. And I will put on lipstick and mascara.

I might even comb my hair. Oh, you know I'm lying about that. Why comb it? It's almost a crew cut!

I wait until after dark to get the mail. I wait until after dark to cart the recycle cans to the curb. I wait until after dark to drag the cans back in.

Because my back yard is fairly private, I can go outside anytime I want. Of course, since it has rained day and night now for 8 days and 8 nights, I am not spending that long out there either.

I only have visitors who do not care if I dress. I had an anxiety attack the other evening and a male friend brought over some booze. After a couple of drinks, I was calmer and he went home.

Nobody seems to think it's strange that I don't dress for weeks at a time. The right shoes and earrings make up for that. When I was very young and living in an apartment, my landlord never saw me in anything but a nightgown and robe in 4 years. He never said "That's strange." (Not to me, anyway.) My landlord's name was Marvin. I named my fish after him. He was truly a great guy. I loved Marvin. He and his wife Bernice were a couple of the sweetest people I've ever known. Bernice was an artist. I adored her too.

I have four identical white robes and I alternate them to allow for washing. I usually skip the nightgown because, well, frankly, what for? Just one more thing that needs washing and who needs that!

I can order groceries online and the delivery boys could care less what I am wearing. I do go out to get the packages from the mailman, but he likes me this way.