Things I Won't Do In 2012

I promise I will not walk around with a chicken leg hanging out of my mouth. I've seen this done twice in the last year, and it's not a good look for anybody.

I'm not going to wear translucent leggings with floral panties. If I forget and wear that, I just won't lean over for any reason no matter what.

I'm not going to flash my bosoms before 2 PM from now on. I do that now and I know it's tacky but I'm going to stop because it's in poor taste.

I'm not going to drink Diet Coke and eat chocolate and say it's lunch any more.

I'm going to stop drinking Bombay Sapphire Martini's with a green olive and Makers Mark Manhattans with a cherry because they look so drop dead sexy in those glasses.

I'm not going to safety pin stuff anymore because I am too lazy or too stupid to mend a piece of clothing. It just isn't good for my image.

I'm not going to flirt with the mailman, the mail woman, the UPS guys and girls, the fish man or the garbage man any more. I may still flirt with the Fed Ex people though, because I'm not perfect.

I'm going to stop telling people my husband is only 4 foot 11 inches tall. That might hurt his feelings and it's not true. I'm going to stop calling Alex "the little injun who could" also because that doesn't respect his culture.

I'm going to stop calling religious people "Holy Rollers" and "Whack a Doodles". I'm also going to stop referring to small children as "no-necks".

I'm going to stop calling that lovely woman named "Fatima" "Fattie" for short. She doesn't like it, and since she is my daughter, I should do what she likes.

I'm going to stop criticizing people just because I hate them, or even worse, because I am jealous of them. (This doesn't happen often, but I'm going to be sure not to do it.)

I'm really glad I have almost a month before I have to put these resolutions into practice.