Wednesday, January 22, 2014

Wardrobe Malfunctions

If you saw "Working Girl" with Melanie Griffith, you may remember the scene of Melanie in her undies wearing something called "Thigh High" stockings.

When I saw this movie back in 1988, I was totally intrigued!  Keep in mind that when I was coming up and getting old enough for stockings and high heels, the only option to keep up one's "nylons" was a garter belt or a girdle.  This just looked a lot better to my way of thinking!  Pantyhose had not been an option until about the late 60's when mini skirts made their first appearance.

Pantyhose at first seemed to me to be a bit like wearing long johns.  Only when I started wearing the very short skirts did I switch over to pantyhose.  But I always found them ugly and uncomfortable.

In my early 40's, I had a new husband and a desire to keep him happy.  I figured one way to keep a smile on his face was to start wearing these new fangled "thigh high" contraptions. 

Alex worked in the East Bay and I worked in San Francisco.  We had a house in a sort of run down area of San Francisco.  Oh, the house was nice enough, but the neighborhood was a bit on the blighted side.  Never mind.  When ever I live in a bad area, I get to know all of my gangster neighbors.  Better yet, I get to know their favorite sports teams, their kids, their baby mamas, and all their names.  Walking along at dusk on my way home, calling out to "Spider", "Gonzo" and "Big Ed" and inquiring about their families and such kept me pretty damn safe.  (See, I can blend in like that.)  I would run down to the corner store at midnight for a little somethin' somethin' and run into most of the people from the neighborhood either milling about at the store or on the pay phone next to the store.  It never occurred to me to be afraid of my neighbors.  I really had no reason to be. (It did seem a little weird that many of my neighbors liked to hang out at corner stores at midnight, but then I was there too so it must not be that big a deal.)

As you can see, I get sidetracked kind of easy.  Anyway, I bought a bunch of these thigh high stockings and wore them to work every day under my little stylish business suit.  The breeze hit me just right as I walked along in my skirts.  (You girls will understand what I mean.)  Everything was good in my world.

Until the day that it wasn't.  It was summertime.  And hot.  I was walking from the train to my house about 5 in the afternoon.  All of my gangster neighbors were out in their front yards or on their front steps on this warm afternoon.  They called out to me as I approached and I waved at them and grinned.  Then I got a really funny sensation at the top of my leg.  It felt like a hard snap.  The elastic on my thigh high stocking had popped.

Immediately, I slowed down my perky walk to a sort of knock kneed shuffle.  I was trying to keep the stocking up on my leg until I got passed the people on the street.  I kept moving and felt the damn stocking fall down to my ankle.  Of course, I just kept walking and wondered if anybody actually noticed.  I mean these people were gangsters, not the fashion police, right?

I was sweating and cussing by the time I made it to my front door.  I went in the house and tossed out every pair of those frigging 'thigh high" stockings.  Oh, and I moved to Alameda right after that too.

24 comments:

  1. I tried those damn things once and had one helluva miserable day because the damn things weren't long enough for my gams. As easy as pantyhose were, they always drove me nuts but at least I didn't have to deal with rigging up a garter belt on a daily basis. That, of course, made it ever so much more fun to some just for fun and games. ;-)

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  2. Now see, that just proved your gangsta friends were gentlemen since they didn't make a big deal out of it...of course, they could have been in the middle of another deal and never noticed, lol!

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  3. Well at least you didn't go for the "knee highs". Those things were the cheapest form of birth control known to man.

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  4. Astra GroskaufmanisJanuary 23, 2014 at 5:35 AM

    Love it! I could so picture the thigh highs at your ankles! I remember those contraptions and they used to do that to me even without snapping. Or I would have to buy them so tight my parts of my thighs spilled over the top. Nice.
    I loved that movie and almost went to a retro party dressed like her (the suit with running shoes and socks!)

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  5. Thank you, Fiona! (Oh the things we do to be "cute"!)

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  6. I liked the movie a lot too, Astra! She was adorable in that role. And the thigh highs looked positively fantastic on her but hers' stayed up!

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  7. You and I both know I have never owned a pair of knee highs, Dufus!

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  8. I mostly get along with gangsters. Well, you've met Alex. You know.

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  9. Cheryl, you've got legs right up to your neck so how could they be long enough for you? Rod Stewart even had a song about you called "Hot Legs"! I'm more medium legs and nobody does a song about that!

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  10. Ha ha! Reminds me of my broken suspender belt, hanging down beneath my skirt, with stockings slowly dropping to my ankles.

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  11. Oh, lordy, how embarrassing. My daughter also lives in SF and frequents the "corner store." She doesn't go at midnight, but there are still the gangsters hanging out there. I'm not sure if she knows their names, but when she locked her keys inside her Mercedes they came to her rescue by somehow going through the trunk and her backseat to retrieve the keys. It makes me very nervous for her to go to that store.

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  12. I was born in the City. I really have never felt afraid there. Going to the store is surprisingly social particularly late at night. I've met some really interesting people like that. When people know you, and you know them, there's a much better chance of your safety I think. Most bad people rob "anonymous" people, not neighbors and/or friends.

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  13. How could any neighborhood be bad with you there? I went from garter belts straight to pantyhose without going through the thigh-high phase. Although, I probably should have tried them out. At least you could toss one out if you got a run. I spent a fortune on pantyhose by having to throw two legs when only one was ruined. I suspect this was the corporate plan all along.

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  14. Knee highs are so ugly. Pantyhose are too. Stockings with garters are sort of a pain in the ass. I'm all about the bare leg in summer.

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  15. At least pantyhose don't fall down around your ankles Jayne. The thigh high thing just couldn't be trusted to keep you looking cute and not stupid.

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  16. Linda, you might think about fishnets. They already have holes so one more wouldn't make any difference.

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  17. Thanks hysterical, Linda ( I mean it isn't, but I can see add that in a story somewhere). I remember buying those as well, but I never felt 'safe' in them. Wore them to work one time and kept waiting for the things to roll down my legs.

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  18. I wore them quite a bit until that day that they turned "cute and sexy" into "horrid and humiliating". Never mind, I just can't be expected to be cute and sexy all the time!

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  19. "when ever I live in a bad area, I get to know all of my gangster neighbors. Better yet, I get to know their favorite sports teams, their kids, their baby mamas, and all their names. Walking along at dusk on my way home, calling out to "Spider", "Gonzo" and "Big Ed" and inquiring about their families and such kept me pretty damn safe. (See, I can blend in like that.)"

    And that's just one of the MANY reasons I am so fascinated by you. I would never have the *balls* to do that.

    And now I am cracking up, picturing you walking through that neighborhood with one thigh high sliding down to your ankle!! LOLZ!!!

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  20. I have to laugh, Meleah. People do think I'm a little nutty with my "wide circle" of friends. It's always worked for me though. I've done it all my life. When my kids were young, their daycare was in a bad area. I knew all the hoodlums who hung out on the street in the evening when I picked the kids up. (Morning were no problem because bad people aren't up that early.) These guys would have busted a cap on anybody who bothered me or my kids.


    It really is hard to be cute when you look like a fool though!

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  21. Thigh highs... happily I was more into hippy wear sans stockings in those days. Missed them almost completely! (And it's still a rare day when I wear stockings that go all the way up my legs.) And for the record... it's probably just as well that you moved to Alameda.

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  22. You are probably right, Paula. Still, I kind of miss the old gangster days.

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  23. As many times as I tried those thigh-high stockings, and I thought they were a good idea because you didn't have to fiddle with them to go to the bathroom, they just kept always falling down. Or rolling down. I figured I had the wrong shaped legs or something.

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  24. The stockings were a good idea that flopped. Literally.

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