I could say it's because of "writers block" or something. Actually, I think it may be more related to the episode where I fell and smashed my face in the concrete and fractured my hand last year. Oh I've recovered, (except for the nerve damage in the hand which really is not that big a deal), but mentally, and emotionally, that episode did something weird to me.
For the first time in my life I felt horribly, terrifyingly, absurdly, vulnerable, and overwhelmingly afraid of just about everything. I've always been an almost "macho" woman feeling helpless and scared is just not a person I've ever lived with before.
I was afraid to go outside alone. I was afraid to be home alone. I didn't leave the house for weeks at a time. I felt like I should "hold on" to furniture to keep me from toppling over. I woke up at night gasping for air after dreaming of falling and knowing I was going to be maimed for life from the landing. My husband said I was acting like someone with PTSD, and I guess maybe I was. Part of the problem was that I really couldn't talk about how frightened and vulnerable I was feeling because I was embarrassed and deeply ashamed.
During this time, I trekked to all my my fellow writers blogs and read what they had written. I was mostly unable to even leave so much as a comment on their articles. My confidence was gone and I thought I had become old and infirm with nothing to say.
Fortunately, I think I'm better now. I'm forcing myself to take a walk at least around the block every day, rain or shine. I've stopped canceling appointments. And best of all, I think I may be back on track.
I may not be able to post as often as I would like to, but I hope to continue doing so with some regularity. You really can't keep a good (or bad) woman down!
Glad you're back and feeling better. You always have something pretty on in your photos.
ReplyDeleteHi Linda, I knew about the accident, but not that it had affected you so profoundly. I'm shocked and sad, but delighted you're here. You're in my thoughts, huge hugs to you. And hats off to you for sharing this with us, I can't imagine it was easy. Indigo x
ReplyDeleteSometimes I think life is miserable, other times I think it's horrible. Here's the difference: Life is miserable because we mostly stumble through it blindly, desperately trying not to trip and fall over the various troubles it brings us, let alone the troubles we create for ourselves. But it becomes horrible when we do finally lose our balance, fall face-first to the ground, and find ourselves unable to leave the house because we feel too embarrassed or ashamed to be seen even though falling was obviously inevitable.
ReplyDeleteSo I'm perversely happy for you.
Why?
Because you're once again merely miserable, and that's a good thing. We should all be happy, even grateful, to be miserable instead of horrible.
Welcome back to stumbling through it, Linda. I missed you.
I get it. (((hugs)))) I've been going through a particularly horrible case of depression myself. I'm happy to hear you are on the way back.
ReplyDeleteSo glad to hear you're getting over this. Here's hoping you go from strength to strength.
ReplyDeleteSorry that you have been going through such an awful time. I've been down in the dumps on occasion, but I can't imagine the feeling of being afraid of everything. Obviously, though, it was new to you which I think would make it even more frightening and depressing, when you thought about how you used to be. I am glad you are coming out of it and getting back to living your life, because you still have stories to tell and memories to make.
ReplyDeleteYou found yourself with nothing to say? Linda, I can't believe it! Having a few health issues of my own I can understand what you're going through. With me though it's a case of the body refusing to do what the brain tells it to do. I'm glad you're back on track because I've missed you. I can't imagine the inter webs without you having something to say. Be well my friend.
ReplyDeleteThis is something that can easily happen when we have a bad experience. Our mind is a complex things and there's no telling where it will take us, after a nasty accident. I'm so glad you are getting through it and popping your head out of the other side!
ReplyDeleteAlex was right. You have been going through PTSD. Completely understandable after such an accident. I'm sorry that you were so alone in this, my friend. I would have bombarded you with good vibes had I known. You are much loved, Linda. And you will rise to kick ass again. (But not mine, please). Big hugs.
ReplyDeleteThanks Jayne. I know you understand that crashing moment when "everything changes" and not for the better, having experienced it yourself. I think I've been able to overlook the realities of age until now. When I get injured now, there may be long term and / or permanent repercussions. A broken hip, a useless limb, etc. That one horrible second when you know you can do nothing to "save" yourself is terrifying to anybody. But it may have hit me harder than some, because I've always felt pretty invincible physically.
ReplyDeleteI'm just getting back to the "breathe normally" stage, Babs. Thanks for the good wishes!
ReplyDeleteThank you so much John. By the time you are playing golf on our California links and we are enjoying a Corona in the garden, we'll both be feeling even better!
ReplyDeleteI think it may be harder because I've always been so unafraid of anything. Once I saw how vulnerable I was laying on the concrete patio with blood all around me and having no way to get help, I think I got a wake up call about what could be a very bad situation.
ReplyDeleteThank you, Fiona! I really am so much better now.
ReplyDeleteJune, I'm really sorry you've been going through something so debilitating and horrid. Hopefully, the skies will clear for you soon, but until they do, get what you need to help you deal with it.
ReplyDeleteJeanie, you are so sweet!
ReplyDeleteI really took a while to realize how distressed I really was over the accident. It's taken a while to come to grips with the fact that we are all one step away from disaster at all times. We need to "live" and not cringe in fear, and enjoy what we've got when we've got it.
ReplyDeleteI understand. I fell last week and did a face plant into a wooden fence. Fortunately all I got was a scraped cheek and a nice shiner. Where I fell it could have been a lot worse. The fence had been damaged in the ice storm and several of the posts were broken and sticking out at an angle. I could have fallen into one of those. I was both bruised and lucky.
ReplyDeleteDarling Cheryl, you are far from a lunatic! When our bodies betray is, it can be very scary, particularly when we don't know how it happened or when it's going to get better. I think just the act of discussing it, the fear, the shame, the whatever, makes it easier for me to move on. (I'm not "right" yet either, but I may be a bit less "wrong" than I was!)
ReplyDeleteI think I've spent most of my life as a Pollyanna and the turn toward misery and horror were a bit much for me. Stumbling is fine, Michael, it's the fall that can kill you.
ReplyDeleteIt's a scary thing, Linda. And I'm glad you were not (more) seriously hurt. I was worried about my nose (broken? naw.) and my front teeth had gone through my upper lip. But the broken hand was actually the part that took some time to heal. The other stuff was just abrasions and scabs and bruises. But at my age, (68) it could have been a real disaster.
ReplyDeleteWow, that sounds terrible. Glad you're on the mend and back in the blogosphere. I enjoy your wry sense of humor.
ReplyDeleteI hear you. Wish I could say something uplifting, but the best I can do is to wish you well.
ReplyDeleteGlad to see you're trying to get back in the swing. I'm rallying for a comeback.
ReplyDeleteOh, Linda! That's exactly how I felt after I broke my leg. It took me two years before I wasn't constantly afraid of falling. Suddenly I, too, felt very old and vulnerable. Maybe it was the walker and raised toilet seat that did me in. I'm happy to say, though, that it does get better. (Getting Henry helped a lot.)
ReplyDeleteAlso, I thought at first it would be a great opportunity to blog every day, (while I was non-weight-bearing and stuck in a recliner for two months,) but I found I suddenly had nothing to say. I still tend to go AWOL for a month or two at a time, but not as long as during that time.
So, here's to getting up and about and enjoying life again! There's no way anybody's going to keep you down indefinitely, my dear! Hugs!
Paula, I really know what you've been through too. We are strong cookies to climb out of the muck! Your situation was worse than mine, and you are a damned strong woman!
ReplyDeleteMy swing may not be all that yet, but at least I'm coming up to bat!
ReplyDeleteThanks Christopher. I appreciate your kind words!
ReplyDeleteThank you very much Monica! I really do intend to try and get back to writing posts and living a life worth posting about!
ReplyDeleteThis post is testament to your return, so yes, it does look like you're getting better. Soon you'll be100%, just in time for summer too :) Winter really is the worst time to go through these things and it sucks that you had too. Glad you're back :)
ReplyDeleteThanks Mike! It feels really good to feel more "normal" than I have in the last few months!
ReplyDeleteI was wondering about you! PTSD, or depression, or fear, is real, and it isn't something we have to defend or feel bad about. you can't just fight it off; hopefully in time it passes. Sounds like you did give yourself some time you needed and you're healing/recovering. Don't rush it! Life will return to 'normal' when it's time. hugs!
ReplyDeleteThanks Merri! I'm just so glad to be feeling better. I'm not used to the "hinky" me!
ReplyDeletePTSD or depression, either way it's a horrible feeling. Been there and don't ever want to go back. I'm so glad you're back to your beautiful fun loving self.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much Suzicate! I feel so much more "normal" now!
ReplyDelete