Friday, February 12, 2010

Don' Cha' Wish Your Girlfriend Was Hot Like Me?

Bernice was a big girl. (As Alex always says "Ain't nothing wrong with a big Papago woman".) Okay, Bernice was not a Papago woman, but she was not petite.

She worked with Alex for a number of years and developed a crush on him. I think Alex was somewhat flattered and slightly unsure about how he should behave with her. Alex asked me if I would mind if he helped Bernice move into her new house and I told him "of course not Honey". Help your friend. I tend to not be the jealous type.

When Alex brought Bernice home several weeks after helping her move into her new home, he asked me if I would help her find a dress for the Christmas Party. I said sure. I thought, well, hell's bells! Why not fix her up a little bit? I'm sorry, but for my husband to have a "girlfriend" not nearly as stylish as me is just ridiculous!

I fed Bernice and Alex dinner and then we hit the stores. There are several stores near us that cater to the "fuller figured woman" and at about a size 18, Bernice qualified as fuller figured. As we approached one of the stores, Bernice stopped in her tracks and said, "Let's go to Forever 21". (Now this gal was 35 if she was a day! But okay, why not?)

By this time, Alex had the good grace to begin to look uncomfortable. His girlfriend was giving him "meaningful glances" and trying to share some inside jokes with him. His eyes kept darting between Bernice and me. Bernice found a couple of skimpy "cocktail" dresses in size "Large" and repaired to the dressing rooms. She came out, poured, stuffed, and oozing out of a dress and said to Alex (not me!) "What do you think?"

Alex looked like he wanted the ground to swallow him up. He replied to Bernice, "That's fine. Honey (me honey) what do you think?" I said diplomatically, "Bernice, that color is lovely on you, but I think it's pulling a little bit at the seams."

Bernice shot me a furious look and said, "Well, Alex if you like it, this is the one I'm getting." I smiled and nodded at them both.

Bernice went to change back into her regular clothes and Alex looked at the floor. He simply would not look up at me. Bernice paid for her purchases and we drove her home.

Oh Alex.

14 comments:

  1. oh Linda, you're a better woman than I am. I would have told Bernice that she looked GORGEOUS and maybe try and get her into something tighter that would rip the first time she sat her nasty ass down. I don't like women flirting with my man...(been there) that's just plain ignorant of them. You handled it more like a lady than I would have...just reading this, I wanted to pull some hair. (but I wouldm't have) LOLOLOLOL

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  2. poor all of you! Bernice for not realizing you were tring to help her and that hubby was being too nice to be honest with her and hubby for having this girl take his kindness for something more and you for having to put up with it all! I feel your pain. My hubby has had "episodes" like that too. What to do? What to do? Just smile and know you TRIED to help...

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  3. This better be a serial.
    I'm awaiting the next installment.
    Photos, too.

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  4. Val, I really thought the whole thing was pretty funny, particularly the expressions on Alex's face.

    Peg, Just smile, baby, he's not going any where!

    Greg! Airborne in the House! Welcome!

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  5. Silly Alex! He has no clue, does he? Ha!

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  6. Cat Lady, to say he was "bewildered" about covers it. Still, it was funny as hell!

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  7. Seriously funny but I feel a little sorry for Bernice. The girl needs some help in the fashion department. Denial is a bad thing for larger women who ooze out of their dresses.

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  8. Jen, I think Bernice thought Alex would admire the ooze. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm no Twiggy myself, but... if I burble over the top, or out the sides or if it makes me walk like I am doing so with bound feet, it's too damned tight! (I love that you feel sorry for my husband's girlfriend. You are my kind of girl. I felt kind of sorry for her too... NOT.)

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  9. Linda, this is too funny. I'm glad she bought the dress. Sounds like Alex is a keeper!

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  10. Oh Alyssa, he's a knucklehead but I love him!

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  11. Men make me laugh sometimes. Bernice seems to be smitten with your hubby and for that, I hope she enjoys her dress. I don't have any sympothy for women with on eye on a married man. Karma is a real bitch when you mess with her. We should seriously talk about "other women". I too am way too nice to people I needn't be nice to. At least you get to have a good laugh.

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  12. Cricket, I just refuse to worry about losing men. If they are silly enough to wander let them get lost. Shoot Girl, there's plenty more where that one came from.

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  13. Funny story. Alex in a situation beyond his control. hilarious! I had a conversation with a girl on DC about stealing men.She described how much she enjoyed grabbing the attention of a man that was with his woman. She felt it was entertaining to steal away someone who was with another. I responded rather unkindly that she will be on the receiving end of her "entertainment" when she finally meets the man of her dreams. That is how we understand our actions. I have been the sweet woman of support several times. "Yes, get a gym membership and hang out with the guys!" He is now living with the gym troll, as you know. I suppose it just all works out as it should. Our inner radar tends to let us know the level of threat. If we are jealous and suspicious all the time, we have the wrong guy/girl. Are they the right one for anyone?

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  14. J- No one can take what is truly ours. Some people don't have the capacity to let their heart belong to another.

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