Monday, March 11, 2013

The Bane Of My Life

At  almost 13, I could not wait to get my first one.  I pestered my mother until she took me to the Emporium "Foundations Department" and had a sales lady help select my first bra.

I tried on the slightly padded 28 triple A cup and felt like a bona fide sex bomb!  Okay, the bra was cotton and had a tiny bow between the cups, no lace or sexy stuff at all, but it was a bra!  I really couldn't wait to get to gym class to show it off.  (Sadly, I've always felt that way about my underwear.  I know, that's not ladylike, but it is what it is.)

Fast forward 30 years.  Walking in the house after work the only thing on my mind was to get that mutha fugga off of me as soon as the front door closed behind me.  Bras had become my worst enemy.

I wear a 38 D bra.  In other words, I need an underwire to give me support.  While I'm all about the support, is it necessary to have a steel wire to hold me in place?  Bras have to be the most uncomfortable clothing item every made.  The bands are constrictive and they impair my ability to breathe.  The wires dig into my flesh.

I've tried different styles of bras over the years, including some without the underwire.  Unfortunately, my boobs will slip right past the place the underwire should be and be effectively cut in half.  That seriously is not my best look.

I can walk for miles in stiletto shoes and never complain.  I can sit for hours at the salon letting people put weird chemicals on my hair to give me that perfect natural champagne moonlit platinum blond color and never complain.  But I hate bras the same way some people hate spiders or rattlesnakes.  (Actually, I have no real problem with spiders or rattlesnakes.)  I have more hatred for bras than I have for serial killers and that i guess is saying something.

If it was acceptable to do so, I would walk around with my hands securely cupping my bosoms to hold them in place but I'm afraid that might give me the wrong kind of reputation not to mention attention.  I do see some women jiggling along the street untethered by a bra, but it's not really a great look for women in their 60's. 

So be forewarned.  If you come to my house and I expect you, I will put on a bra for your visit.  If you do not tell me you are coming, all bets (and bras) are off.


59 comments:

  1. That is a very pretty pink bra. Go ahead and leave it on the table. I think you're fabulous with or without it! :-)

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  2. I pick the underwire over stilettos any day! I'm already a klutz; put me in high heels and i'd surely break my neck!

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  3. Don't feel you have to dress up with a bra just for me!  Bras are an evil necessity!

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  4. My wife is, um, ample and when she gets home from work she has this trick of taking her bra off without removing her top. Then she yells "freedom". It's really quite entertaining.

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  5. I'm with you, Sistah! ! xxxxx

    Burn that baby!

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  6.  They are such miserable contraptions! Kim, I seriously hate them!

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  7.  I knew you would have a brilliant and bosomy wife!

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  8.  I will let it all hang out when you come to visit.  But no photos!

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  9.  I've never minded shoes, but from the time I was 15, I hated bras.

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  10.  Thank you Nicky.  We are both (I've seen too!) good with our without!

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  11. Also, if you walked around all day with your two hands cupping your boobs, how would you hold a glass of wine?   

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  12.  It's a balancing act and that's for sure, Jayne!

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  13. Linda, If you ever questioned whether or not God was a man, here's your answer: would a female almighty put us in bras and have us endure child birth?  'Nough said.That alone makes me question any little faith I may have had.

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  14.  Oh me of little faith!  When we add "spanx" to the mix, you have me dancing nude in the moonlight sacrificing chickens.

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  15. I am TOTALLY with you, Linda. I HATE bras. HATE. HATE. HATE.

    In fact, I rarely wear them. I'd rather put on sports bra so I have the single-boob-tube look than an actual bra with that damn wire! 

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  16. Guess I'm lucky my bras don't bother me.  Maybe being a size smaller than you in the cup has something to do with it.  That sure is a purdy pink one in the picture you posted.

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  17.  I HATE them right along with you, Baby.  Sports bras are painful too.  I should just have some little servant person to hold them for me at all times.

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  18.  Pretty and painful, Jeanie.  I hate putting the damn things on!

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  19.  I do too.  Of course, the person would have to be quite short, but that's okay.

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  20. You wait until you get home? Hell, sometimes I take that thing off in the car! I don't understand why they can't be comfy!

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  21.  I have been known to unsnap in the car, but I usually wait till that front door closes behind me before I rip it off.  I need an engineer to figure this out.  They should be less uncomfortable than they are.

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  22. TheEquestrianVagabondMarch 13, 2013 at 1:33 PM

    ah, yes, and wait till you get tiny slivers of hay in your bra. drives you MAD.

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  23. Holy Hay, Batwoman!  What a nasty thought!

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  24. I love my bras, Linda. They complete me in a way no cupped hands ever could. Not to say I wouldn't give up my bra temporarily for a coupla special warm hands with a penis attachment nearby, but on the whole, I like my bras (with the right underwire), cuz I too need the support. 

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  25. Honey, please tell me what the right underwire might be.  Signed, A Friend In Need

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  26. I like my bras like I like my thong undies. They have to sort of disappear into the cracks (heh, heh) and feel like I'm wearing nothing at all, or they go the way of the 8-track. Hard to find a good-fitting contraption for the boobage, but my favorites have underwires that are softer and more flexible, with plenty of padding around the wires so they don't cut into the skin. What kind is that? I have no freakin' clue. I know it when I feel it though! And I never pay much for my brasiers. Ever.

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  27.  Now, I actually hate thongs with a passion.  I promised Mama a long time ago I'd never stick anything up my nose or my butt.  I have only broke those promises a couple of times.

    I keep trying for the "can't feel it" bra, but they all feel so constrictive to me that I hate them.

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  28. Oh how I identify!  My bra is one of the first things I want to remove at the end of the day.  But I also remember those teeny tiny bows in the center of the bras we all started with.  How far we have come!

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  29. I hear you. I just can't wear underwired bras at all!

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  30.  Fiona, I've tried the kind without the underwire, but I slip out of those and it's not pretty. 

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  31. I can imagine it's a pain to have underwires. I remember my first boob strapper too. It was pink and because I didn't have enough to fit in a thimble let alone a brassiere, when I took my shirt off in gym class and parading around, all the girls laughed. Life is cruel...then you die. Thanks for the memories and the laughs. I promise to call before I visit!

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  32.  Oh heck, Annie, you can come by any old time!

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  33. Katherine KellesisMarch 15, 2013 at 11:55 AM

    Hahaha! I laughed my ass off at this post! I too, HATE bras. When you audibly sigh (loud enough for the neighbours to wonder what you are doing) when you take your bra off, you know it's not a good thing. Sadly, these girls are tired pancakes and need the extra help. Sigh.

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  34. I hate the damn things. They are brutally uncomfortable. In hot weather? OMG! I mean, really, Katherine!

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  35. "All bets and bras are off" hahahaha!!!! Sorry, I just laughed at your expense. I don't suppose that was ladylike either.

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  36. I've never worn an underwire, but I hate it when those side stays finally wear through their pockets. Ouch!

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  37. LOL! True, with a long straw.

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  38. Oh me too! When I'm home but know people may come by, I keep the damn thing unhooked. Unfortunately it usually slips up and I slip down and one of my kids will point out, um mom, you got 4 boobs there : )

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  39. Anything that pokes into my bosoms is not my friend, unless it's my friend and I gave them my rmission.

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  40. Oh it's ladylike all right Margaret. It's just mean!

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  41. Now, I do that too, Ms. G. I also sport the 4 boobs look, but not for company. (Okay, not on purpose for company, let's be honest here.)

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  42. IF I wore my bra as tightly as 'those with bra knowledge' say I should, I'd never be able to sit down without cracking a rib. And underwire (even if it stabs my armpit) is the only thing keeping my breasts off my belly.

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  43. Little lotta, the underwire keeps my boobs off my knees! LOL!

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  44. Oh Lordy I'm right there with you. The whole time I'm driving home after work, I'm looking forward to flinging that doggone thing off! Hate those things. I have underwire too, which has resulted in some unfortunate pat-downs at airports. Heh. When I read that you should wear a bra 24-7 to keep your boobs from sagging, all I can think is, I don't care; let 'em sag.The thought of wearing a bra to bed, even a sleep bra, is enough to set me over the edge! :)

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  45. Karen, as I live and breathe, (and I could do both a lot better without a bra), you and I are on the exact same wave length on this one!

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  46. Yeah but if they're short enough that would put their face level with.... ahhh, never mind. LOL

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  47. I know I'm bad, Karen, but I was born this way.

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  50. Linda, Linda, Linda, my heart goes out to you and every woman who has to endure this kind of entrapment. For a brief time in my life, I had a glorious pair of breasts and was a quite normal size 36C. Because miracle materials hadn't been created, I had to wear underwires too. It hurt to wear them and it hurt NOT to wear them. I didn't even wait to get home to take mine off. Once I hit the car and was heading down the road, I'd reach back, unclip the damn thing, and slide it off through my sleeves. Hyperflexibility has its advantages.


    Something happened to my body when I was in my late 20s & I lost my breasts. Now I have niblets and it's impossible to find a bra that fits. I love the freedom but it sure cuts down on my options for tops. I wear undershirts if I have to dress up and want to wear something sheer. Not a cami - a cotton undershirt. Class is my middle name.

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  51. Cheryl, I know exactly what you mean when you say underwires "hurt to wear them and hurt not to wear them". As long as I'm not moving much, not wearing it hurts less.


    Pretty cami's come in all sizes. And some are made of cotton. But I am sure you rock your cotton undershirt as well. (Wife beaters are kind of sexy. They are all the rage with my lesbian girlfriends, and I wear them too, but with a bra keeping the boobs from knocking on my knees.)

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  52. Mine just went away so I'll never be in danger of knee-knockers. My sister was well-endowed very young. She stopped wearing a bra earlier than I did - she was revolting against the patriarchy. These days she looks as flat-chested as me because her girls are hanging down near her waist.

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