Tuesday, May 14, 2013

Stories From Inside A Real Pickle.

This image shows exactly how my life has been since last Thursday.

Everything was fine.  I was getting ready for some serious "spring cleaning", right after I lollygagged in my bubble bath for an hour that is.

I got out of the bath and grabbed my towel.  I felt the dreaded "WHAP!" in my low back.  Trying not to panic, I set about getting my robe on and slipping on a pair of panties.  Nope, panties were not going to be in the cards.

I get low back "spasms" from time to time and they are never fun, but this was one of those times that I realized that life as I know it had changed for the worse.  When these horrible pains hit, they take my breath away, and my legs, and my ability to remain upright.  Dressed in a big white terrycloth robe, I inched like a worm across the floor to get the the bed in Harry's apartment.  I could not walk, but could pull myself with my arms if I took it slow enough.  Sweat was pouring into my eyes making it hard to see, but that didn't really matter.  I knew getting upright enough to throw myself on to the bed would be tricky or impossible.  Either or.

My life flashed before my eyes.  I really hated thinking that I would be found lying on the floor, with no underpants on in a shabby robe moaning in pain.  It's just not dignified.  I make every effort to stay in bed until 9:00 AM because most people (I read this on the Internet), die early in the morning.  This lying on the floor dead and without panties thing is my worst nightmare.

It took me an hour to drag myself to the bed.  I tried pulling the sides of the mattress to get me up, but my legs weren't working and my back went into horrid spasms with any movement of my legs or back.  Finally, I pushed myself to my feet and threw myself forward onto the mattress.  I think I blacked out for a few minutes from the pain.

Never mind, I was on the bed.  I even managed to throw my body over so I could lie there sunny side up.  I glanced at my watch and saw it was only another 6 hours until my husband would be home.  And both dogs climbed on the bed next to me to give me solace.  Or they were waiting to see if I died and then they would eat me.  Either or.


What are these spasms like, you may ask.  Okay, Ladies, imagine you are giving those last ten pushes before childbirth and you have had no painkillers whatsoever.  Gentlemen, imagine you have an Alien climbing out of your low back and using its sharp teeth to get out.  Then magnify it by 10.  You now have some idea of these spasms.  They can knock you on the floor!  They can spin your head like in that "Exorcist" movie.  That's how bad it is.

When my husband got home, I was bursting to go to the bathroom.  He came in the room and saw my plight and said something like "Oh poor baby!".  Well, poor  baby was trying her hardest to roll from side to side to get over so I could possibly sit up.  I looked like a turtle stuck on it's back. 

I realized how undignified this looked and asked (okay, screamed) at Alex to go get me a pair of panties and put them on me.  He did as I asked and I felt so much more able to cope with this miserable pain and indignity.

It's Tuesday now, I have lived to tell the tale.  Always keep a pair of panties handy.

56 comments:

  1. I always keep a pair of panties handy, trust me.


    Seriously, I hope you're okay, Linda. Your back doesn't treat you with the respect you deserve.

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  2. There's something about being stuck knickerless that really pisses me off. I'm better now but feel like I've been beaten with a rubber hose from my shoulder blades down to my butt. (Sympathetic muscle strains.) Damn!

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  3. Pedestrian PalateMay 15, 2013 at 11:29 AM

    All that pain and the thing that was top of mind was underwear. I can't say I would have felt differently. That's a little too forward for your first meeting with a cute EMT. ; )

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  4. P.P., I neglected to mention that my husband tried to hide a smirk as I wallowed. I may have to do him in.

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  5. Oh, Linda...you poor thing. I have never had lower back pain but Hubbby has and it appears to be worse than actually dying. (this isn't proven of course).


    I hope you are feeling better and you are now able to maneuver your own panties.

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  6. Got my knickers in place, thank you, Cheryl! It really is a breathing pain. You simply can't move your legs or even twitch without pain that makes you scream out. Horrid stuff. (Tell your husband I know he's not lying about it being worse than death!)

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  7. Ok, I could make a billion jokes about you and your lack of panties but seriously, this sounds absolutely awful! Sweetheart, please tell me you have someone there taking care of you now? Have you seen your doctor? Please take care of yourself and get better soon!

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  8. Linda, wowsers, I feel for you. This happened to me many years ago, and I didn't get out of bed for a fortnight. Thankfully, I had someone there to take care of me. I'm glad you're up and about. By the way, "Or they were waiting to see if I died and then they would eat me." gave me my first good belly laugh of the day. Be well, Indigo x

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  9. Oh, Linda! It breaks my heart you have to be in so much pain from those back spasms. How awful!

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  10. Ouch. I fear this may be myself in time. Can't anything be done?

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  11. Oh Sweetie, I am better now. It comes, it goes. Something like men in my experience. Still, this lasts for 3 or 4 days and it's dreadful, but I am okay now. (Until the next time that is.) Since it's "spasms", I just have to let it happen and let it heal.

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  12. You can offer a sexy smile to your husband rather than cursing his ass when you ask for your panties. (Best advice I can think of Token!)

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  13. They really are a mess, Meleah. The truth is, I get this a couple of times a year and have learned there's nothing much to be done except to lay flat and get somebody to put knickers on you!

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  14. Thanks, Indigo! It really is a total mess when this happens. (The dogs love me too much to eat me.) All one can do is lie still and not move for as long as it takes. Ugh!

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  15. Dang, you poor thing! I know that pain, but honestly, I can't say panties was at the top of my list at the time...I think breathing was a priority...of course if I'd been pantyless then they would have topped breathing, lol! Hope you're feeling better AND now wearing panties!

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  17. I'm really thinking that panties were over-rated at the time, Suzicate. Breathing and keeping my heart beating were the priority. I just hate feeling panty-less at such a moment. If I was being cute at the time, that is fine. Being in agony makes it a different story!

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  18. Bah. Who needs panties. They are highly over rated.


    oh honey I am SO SORRY you had this happen... and that it isn't the first time. I never had back pain until the accident. I am still being treated, seeing a specialist, hurting. I get this so much. Fortunately I can function. I saw every bit of your dilemma as you wrote it... I wanted to come and help!


    Praying you feel better SOON!

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  20. Oh no, poor poor you. Back pain is just too excruciating for words!

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  21. Fiona, it just knocks the stuffing out of me! Still, I've come to grips with knowing it does subside in a few days and there really is not much to be done except lying still and taking pain meds. I've tried heat and ice, but they really don't do much. Unfortunately, time is the only healer with this stuff. But it is pretty miserable!

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  22. Thank you Katherine! I know you've been going through that horrid pain for some time now. I does make one goofy after a while. But mine goes away, fortunately. But unfortunately, it always happens again.

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  25. When I was a kid, my Mom used to always tell me to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a streetcar and had to go to the hospital. I don't know what to advise if you can't even bend over to put them on. Poor you.

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  26. I know, right? I too heard about the clean underwear in case of a trip to the hospital after being felled by something awful. (I mean, we would be mortified by stained knickers, and that would have outweighed the import of the broken limbs, and smashed head!)

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  27. I'm so sorry for your pain. I know firsthand the agony of the back going out.. I hope you're much better now and am so glad you finally got those panties on.

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  32. I hate that you get these awful back spasms. Isn't there anything that can be done for them? What would you have done if Alex was on one of his trips? I worry about you, my sweet friend.

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  33. Jayne, I've been having these damn things for over 20 years. They are miserable, but I do understand that lying flat and taking pain meds for a few days and I'll be better. When Alex is away, I call on Nelson or neighbors to help me out by feeding the dogs, bringing me food, etc. It's just a misery when it happens.

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  35. Glad you have someone nearby to call, but I will worry just the same. Hugs.

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  36. I've had that. And I hate to be undone by panties--they should not have that much power. So I give you the following: Pain Free by Pete Egoscue. A $10 book that will take care of all of it but the panties. I'm not kidding.

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  40. Murr, I will get the book. As you know, this kind of thing is really so painful that anything that might make it better is worth a shot! Thank you for your suggestion!

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  41. I'm so glad. Everyone I've ever recommended this book to who actually did the exercise/position routines exactly as this man describes them--and they're not hard--has been astonished. I have however been so evangelistic about it that some folks have bought the book just to shut me up, and not actually done the stuff, and those are the ones who say it didn't work for them. I completely got rid of episodic lower back pain, knee twinges, and a major neck problem that I'd had since I was a teenager--and even went to the chiropractor for, for as often as three times a week. The chiropractor said I had arthritis and would need Ibuprofen and ice and adjustments for the rest of my life to manage it. It's gone. I don't even do any of the exercises anymore.

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  45. You've given me a great idea! Why not just wear 3 or 4 pairs of panties and peel them off if disaster strikes! Good thinking Brahm!

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  46. I hope you are feeling better by now.

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  47. Finding oneself 'commando' during an acute case of back spasms makes everything seem so much worse than it is. Those were not my best days. I hope you're well on the way to full recovery.

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  48. I'm fine now, Cheryl. I just hate it when that happens!

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  49. I'm past all that stuff now, thank goodness. What a mess that stuff is! Damn!

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  50. I used to suffer from back spasms too, I know how awful they are! Poor baby indeed!

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  51. Kato, when it happens, you really are mucked up to beat the band! Yikes! It's bad stuff! (I know you know!)

    ReplyDelete
  52. The Equestrian VagabondMay 30, 2013 at 5:50 PM

    You poor thing - how awful!!!!! what brings this on anyway?

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  53. I've got a bad low back. It only happens a couple of times a year, but it's a dirty bastard, Merri! I'm good now. I probably am paying for sins.

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  54. Now that I work in a health center where you have people calling in screaming about their back spasm experience i can sort of appreciate how brave you truly are.

    Your post does give me ideas about new questions to add to the lowback pain assessment..

    Are you wearing pants? If no, are you able to?
    (question rationale - this could influence the individual's perception of pain severity) lol

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  55. Ginger, Honey, I am now wearing pants! In the bath, I seldom wear them though. It is a really painful mess when this happens.



    If people are calling in and speaking to you about their pain, maybe you should not bluntly ask them "Are you wearing pants" because it could be taken the wrong way. I'm just saying...

    ReplyDelete