Upon receiving an invitation to a dear friend’s daughter’s baby shower, I came to the stunning conclusion that I hate showers. I have always hated showers, even if they were for me.
There’s something particularly unappealing about baby showers. Don’t get me wrong, I like babies just fine and giving them a gift is not the issue here. At least with wedding showers, the liquor can flow and women can get vulgar and wild if they choose! We can play games like pin the appendage on the fireman!
With baby showers, you’d feel tacky swilling booze, laughing loudly, and shaking your non-pregnant booty, while a pregnant person, toward the end of her term, tired from lack of sleep, watches you with her big swollen pregnant eyes!
Baby showers are more like Tupperware parties: you go because your friend begged you to, or you just feel obligated! You aren’t expected to enjoy it. Watching a dear pregnant person open gifts and ooh and ahh with the rest of the guests over the cute little baby things just makes me tired. If there are going to be presents, I want them for me. Is that so much to ask?
Don’t get me wrong, I’ve hosted these showers over many years. I may slip away when people start playing games and have a shot of tequila (or two) to get me through it. The food at showers is usually “cute food” (little ladylike morsels that defy any expectation of satisfaction or enough to eat). When were you last served prime rib at a shower? When could you ask for a dirty martini at a shower? I rest my case.
When I told my friend I could not attend her daughter’s shower and since we are true friends forever, told her the truth. She laughed and said, “Everyone hates showers!” Is that true? It’s not just me? To the contrary, she assured me, we all hate them.
The idea came to her that a new kind of invitation could be in order here.
Jane Doe is Knocked Up
You Are Very Cordially Invited to Her Non-Shower
She is registered at XYZ
Get her something and mail it to:
123 Main Street
And thank your lucky stars your presence is not required, anywhere.
I think my friend has a brilliant idea!