Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Romancing Ramon

Meet Ramon.

He's from either Paraguay or someplace equally exotic. Ramon is my Christmas lights man.

I met Ramon last year when he was turning my next door neighbor's house into a winter wonderland. Actually, there are so many lights on her house, in her trees and shrubs, that it looks a little like a house of ill repute to me, but that's just me being catty. Besides what do I know about houses of ill repute? (I'll answer that. I know enough. I've been to Amsterdam after all.)

All right, I've gotten off my topic and for that I apologize. Ramon is about 7 foot 19 inches tall and perfect in every conceivable way. He may be perfect in ways I have yet to conceive as well. Ramon's impressive stature, beautiful smile, and soft Spanish accent just make me swoon.

When I saw him working on my neighbor's house this time last year, I hurried over to introduce myself and ask/beg him to put lights on the exterior of my house. At first, Ramon apologized and said that he would not have time to do my house too. I went all limpid and sweet and let him know that I would do very interesting things for him if he would light my house.

Needless to say, Ramon succumbed to my feminine wiles and my pleas. I received a very private message from Ramon about 2 weeks ago reminding me that it was again time to schedule an appointment for Christmas lights. His phone number and Company name and email address (Ramon's Services) was on the printed sheet.

I waited a couple of days and then I called him. When I told him my name, he said "Oh! I remember you!" My heart skipped a beat. (Of course, he said it in Spanish.) I asked Ramon to put me on his schedule and we set yesterday as a date.

Ramon and his crew arrived about 8:30 AM. Now this was not my favorite time for an interlude, but with Ramon, I will take what he is willing to give. I heard his truck pull up, and I threw on my robe over my Minny Mouse pajamas and ran out onto the front porch. "Hola Ramon! Buenos Dias!" I called out. Never mind that I had not yet gotten myself "vamped" for viewing.

Ramon answered me politely and inquired about my health, my husband, and if I wanted the white lights like last year or colored lights. I responded that the multi-colored lights were the most appealing. (I was actually telling him that I find men of color quite appealing too and I'm sure he knew that.)

I hurried in to perform some rapid ablutions. I needed lipstick, mascara, perfume and my high heels along with my Ralph Lauren cashmere sweats. (Remember this is all before 9 AM and I don't even get up most days till 9 or 9:30.)

The men put up their ladders and Ramon supervised and I went out to show him where the electrical outlet for the lights was located. We talked about the cold morning. We talked about how agile his men are and that they toss things back and forth while on the high rise ladders and about how nice this time of year is! Oh mucho gusto to the max!

Anyway, they finished with my lights and they moved on to my neighbor's whorehouse (I mean really!) and I walked next door to find Ramon and ask how much I owed him. He said he wasn't sure, but he would call home to see if there was a record of what I had paid last year. (My neighbor's house is about 5 times the size of mine and the lights are adequate to illuminate a city like Reno. I'm sure she pays about $500 or so.)

Ramon came to the door amid howls of protest from Honey, Harry and Zoe. I had his check ready for him in the $150 amount I had paid last year. I apologized for the ruckus and he said "it's nothing" (but in Spanish - "de nada", you know). We shook hands and wished each other a happy holiday.

I can't wait for next Christmas!

Sunday, December 4, 2011

Things I Won't Do In 2012

I promise I will not walk around with a chicken leg hanging out of my mouth. I've seen this done twice in the last year, and it's not a good look for anybody.

I'm not going to wear translucent leggings with floral panties. If I forget and wear that, I just won't lean over for any reason no matter what.

I'm not going to flash my bosoms before 2 PM from now on. I do that now and I know it's tacky but I'm going to stop because it's in poor taste.

I'm not going to drink Diet Coke and eat chocolate and say it's lunch any more.

I'm going to stop drinking Bombay Sapphire Martini's with a green olive and Makers Mark Manhattans with a cherry because they look so drop dead sexy in those glasses.

I'm not going to safety pin stuff anymore because I am too lazy or too stupid to mend a piece of clothing. It just isn't good for my image.

I'm not going to flirt with the mailman, the mail woman, the UPS guys and girls, the fish man or the garbage man any more. I may still flirt with the Fed Ex people though, because I'm not perfect.

I'm going to stop telling people my husband is only 4 foot 11 inches tall. That might hurt his feelings and it's not true. I'm going to stop calling Alex "the little injun who could" also because that doesn't respect his culture.

I'm going to stop calling religious people "Holy Rollers" and "Whack a Doodles". I'm also going to stop referring to small children as "no-necks".

I'm going to stop calling that lovely woman named "Fatima" "Fattie" for short. She doesn't like it, and since she is my daughter, I should do what she likes.

I'm going to stop criticizing people just because I hate them, or even worse, because I am jealous of them. (This doesn't happen often, but I'm going to be sure not to do it.)

I'm really glad I have almost a month before I have to put these resolutions into practice.