Saturday, March 6, 2010

If It Doesn't Scare The Horses

I am often surprised when someone says or writes something about sex or lovemaking and they feel it might be shocking to me.

Do people really think that if you are over 40 years of age, you won't understand or be able to relate to their tales of sexuality?

Do they think you have been "cloistered" all these years and protected from the sweaty realities of sexuality in just about all it's forms? Seems funny to me that anyone would assume that advancing age means that you have somehow wiped your memory of all things sexual.

People under 40 did not invent sex. I lived in San Franciso during the "Summer of Love" 1967. I was old enough to know better (20) but too young to resist the lure. I have been married, divorced, lived with men, loved men, and participated in every form of lovemaking that you can imagine, (and some that you might not imagine).

No, dear, I'm not "shocked" when you talk about oral sex. I'm not shocked when you talk about anal sex. I'm not shocked when you talk about threesomes. In fact, if it doesn't scare the horses...

Friday, March 5, 2010

Friday Confessional

It's again time to put it all out there for Glamazon Mom!

I took a photo off the web after looking on Yahoo for "Good Looking Guy" free photos. Okay, I used this dude for my "Sexiest Man In the World" post. After I put it out there, I realized I really had not paid too much attention to who this dude is, other than a perfectly normal looking guy. Turns out he's some big old scientist professor someplace. Hell's bells. Okay, I sent him an email at the University and said, "I used it. I hope you don't mind." I have not heard back from him so it probably is okay. (I shoot first and ask questions later and that's not always good.) Of course, what man would really object to being the photo for an article titled that?

I was looking forward to having my husband Alex home today. He had to work after all because of a screw up and problem at work. Poor Alex. Poor Alex my ass! He has totally ruined my day! And I'm pissed about it.

I'm saving the cleaning of the kitty litter for him after he gets home. I never even wanted a damned cat to begin with! (Well, okay, I love the cat now, but why is his cat my job to clean up after?)

I'm sick of rain and I'm sick of cold and I want some nice weather. Is that too much to ask for, God? Is it?

I feel like going on line and ordering things for me! (We really are trying to cut back on expenses, but do I care?) Well, I sort of do care, and I sort of don't. I'm bored and spending money I don't have is fun!

These are my sins. Now I'll say the 5 Hail Mary's and log on to ebay.

The Things We Do For Love

I've done a lot of things for money that weren't fun at all. But I sometimes have to wonder, which is worse? The things we do for money, or the things we do for love.

My husband Alex is perfect in every way (or every way that really counts that is). He's honest, hardworking, smart, funny (and has the worst taste in music and movies of anyone I've ever known). He is stuck in the disco era music wise and the stuff he listens to makes me shudder. If Alex isn't blaring disco-duck stuff, he inclined to go for what I can only call "groovy" (think Kenny G) music. Frankly, I don't know which one is worse!

I love Lady GaGa! I like lots of kinds of music, just not the kinds he listens to.

While the music is not to my liking, the movies are worse. There is not a "creature feature" movie that Alex does not want to see. There is not a vampire or werewolf movie that he does not want to see. And if there's a choice, he will choose the "shoot em up, blow em up, and f*ck em up" over anything out there.

I can dig Tarantino. His films are funny and violent, but hey! It's not the violence. I just can't take Bride of Chuckie meets Bride of Frankenstein. It's not because these flicks are frightening, it's because they are stupid!

There is a series on one of the cable channels that is called "Spartacus". Now this is bloody as all hell, but at least it's well scripted. Still, this is so mild compared to most of what Alex likes. Give him a film with buildings being blown up and a monster or a creature and he's happy. Even if it's animated, that's fine as long as there are the monsters!

The absolute worst part of this is that he WANTS ME TO WATCH THEM WITH HIM. And you know what? I do it. We watched "2012" the other night and I found it disturbingly stupid. He watched this movie in rapt pleasure.

Okay, this comes under the heading of "The things we do for love."

Thursday, March 4, 2010

The Sexiest Man In the World

The sexiest man in the world is one who can make me laugh. There is nothing sexier than humor in a man! A humorless man is a bore.

The sexiest man in the world loves to eat. There is nothing more appealing than a man who loves the meal I have cooked for him! I loathe seeing a man who is a picky eater or who doesn't "care" about food.

The sexiest man in the world is intelligent. There is nothing as sexy to me as a really bright guy! I have known very handsome men who were utterly repulsive to me because of their stupidity.

The sexiest man in the world is one who cares about other people. If they don't have empathy for others, they are not appealing in the slightest to me.

The sexiest man in the world knows how to put his back into a task and work hard. I love men who work and toil for their family. I have met men who were "career students" or "in between engagements" for way too long. This turns me off completely.

The sexiest man in the world has integrity and honesty. Without those, he's a loser. I love a guy who does the right thing when nobody is looking!

The sexiest man in the world cares about making me happy. What more can I say?

People can keep their lists of "tall, dark, handsome and rich". It's not what makes a man sexy. A fat wallet or a fat paycheck does not make a man sexy. I would take short, fat, bald and funny, and poor, (along with smart, honest and caring) any day of the week.

Shower Season

Upon receiving an invitation to a dear friend’s daughter’s baby shower, I came to the stunning conclusion that I hate showers. I have always hated showers, even if they were for me.

There’s something particularly unappealing about baby showers. Don’t get me wrong, I like babies just fine and giving them a gift is not the issue here. At least with wedding showers, the liquor can flow and women can get vulgar and wild if they choose! We can play games like pin the appendage on the fireman!

With baby showers, you’d feel tacky swilling booze, laughing loudly, and shaking your non-pregnant booty, while a pregnant person, toward the end of her term, tired from lack of sleep, watches you with her big swollen pregnant eyes!

Baby showers are more like Tupperware parties: you go because your friend begged you to, or you just feel obligated! You aren’t expected to enjoy it. Watching a dear pregnant person open gifts and ooh and ahh with the rest of the guests over the cute little baby things just makes me tired. If there are going to be presents, I want them for me. Is that so much to ask?

Don’t get me wrong, I’ve hosted these showers over many years. I may slip away when people start playing games and have a shot of tequila (or two) to get me through it. The food at showers is usually “cute food” (little ladylike morsels that defy any expectation of satisfaction or enough to eat). When were you last served prime rib at a shower? When could you ask for a dirty martini at a shower? I rest my case.

When I told my friend I could not attend her daughter’s shower and since we are true friends forever, told her the truth. She laughed and said, “Everyone hates showers!” Is that true? It’s not just me? To the contrary, she assured me, we all hate them.

The idea came to her that a new kind of invitation could be in order here.

Jane Doe is Knocked Up
You Are Very Cordially Invited to Her Non-Shower
She is registered at XYZ
Get her something and mail it to:
123 Main Street
Anytown, USA

And thank your lucky stars your presence is not required, anywhere.

I think my friend has a brilliant idea!

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Finding Common Ground

About 15 years ago, I met a woman named Veronica who was a co-worker of mine. I'm not sure I've ever met anyone who "rubbed me the wrong way" as much this woman did. I found her obnoxious, rude, sarcastic, and overall, just not my kind of woman.

Since I would be working with her, I decided to get to know her by issuing her an invitation to a party at my house. (Okay, you may know what's coming.) Veronica and I developed a close friendship that has last for 15 years and counting. Her little "quirks" are now funny to me.

When I read posts or listen to friends who are politically very "charged" over their own political views, I feel that they would be better served by looking for the common ground and not quoting Rush Limbaugh or Bill Maher as examples of good political mentors. These guys are entertainers. They are not political gurus. The differences we react to are presented as so extreme that only a fool wouldn't agree with the "correct" side. The truth is usually closer to the middle. If we could accept this premise, maybe things would be resolved in a much more expedient fashion.

As human beings, we have far more areas in common than we do in conflict. Why not spend a little more time finding the common ground? I think a lot of us share a lot more views than we differ on.

I think we all want what's best for our children. I think we all want what's best for our neighbors and our world. If we could just stop with the "us and them" mentality, this would be a happier and more productive world.

I usually concentrate on presenting lighthearted or funny subjects. I apologize if I sound boring on this one. Or as I always say ... I'm just saying...

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Falling Down Drunk (Or Not)

In the old days, one time I was a tad tipsy and fell on my ass. I'm not proud of this, but I acknowledge that it happened. My husband and I were walking and I had imbibed quite a few cocktails. Walking along laughing and talking, I found myself on the sidewalk. Oh I thought that was funny! And oddly, I wasn't hurt at all. Even my pride wasn't hurt!

In the last few years, I have taken spills. None of them have been related to drinking, because although I still have a glass of wine or so every day, I certainly don't get to the point where I cannot walk! Unfortunately, I have found myself somewhat injured every damned time I fall stone-cold sober.

A couple of years ago, my family and I were walking to a cafe for breakfast and I hit a slippery place on the sidewalk. One minute I'm there walking and talking, the next I'm laid out on the pavement with blood oozing from my knees.

Before that, I was on my lunch hour and picking up a sandwich to take back to work. Outside the restaurant, there were two rather small PG&E access holes. One was covered with a metal plate, the other was not. It was just large enough for my leg up to my knee to disappear into. (It took a year to recover from this one.)

I also fell a few weeks ago on to what had that day been diagnosed as a "frozen shoulder". The shoulder landing did little to break apart the ice in the shoulder, but I should be grateful it wasn't more serious than it was. Contusions, uh huh. Well, it could have been worse.

I also fell coming home from the dentist. Maybe the novacaine had numbed my brain a little along with my gums. I only suffered bloody scrapes on my hands from this one.

I have come to the conclusion that I do a lot better falling drunk than I do sober. Is there a lesson in all this? Uh, not sure. I mean, I am not a total klutz all the time. In fact, most of the time, I just walk like everyone else.

Monday, March 1, 2010

The HFMB Award

I don't think I've ever been so overwhelmed with gratitude as I am today. Terry just gave me the award I have waited most of my life for!

Terry is the brilliant Queen at Oh For Pete's Sake and if you do not check her out, send her large amounts of money every month, and say a prayer for her continued royalty, you are totally missing out!

Terry indeed has had me snorting my coffee, inhaling my popcorn, and wetting my pants with laughter.

Now, the criteria for this award includes passing it on to 9 (or 10) or 72 other bloggers who make me laugh. I have difficulty following directions, but I'm going to try and do this right!

First award goes to Jay at Cynical Bastard. He always make me laugh out loud or at least snicker!

Secondly, Scott at Ergo just rocks my world. He's the funniest young whippersnapper I've ever encountered.

Third, Paula at How To Be A Cat Lady Without The Cats knocks my socks off, not only with her humor, but with her talent and fantastic style!

Four, Alyssa at Bloggin 2 Noggin who hates awards, but sorry Honey, you have this one coming because you always make me laugh!

Five, Jayne at In Jayne's World is a crack up! Check her out!

Six, Sex N Fries! What's not to like?

Seven, Jen at Redhead Ranting. She's fabulous!

I'm going to stop right there. There are so many great bloggers that I can't name them all. And like I said, I'm not good at following directions!

Above all, Terry, thanks for giving me this awesome award! You are the BOMB!

Sunday, February 28, 2010

Glam Shots

If there is anything that really makes you feel good, it's a glamorous photo of yourself!

As you can imagine, I spent 2 hours in hair and make up this morning to get ready for this. I love it when my husband recognizes how great I look and decides to record it for us!

Now, why I would post this is another story. I think it's so important to show the good, the bad, and the worse! It's how I live my life!

Now, you may say, "Oh it's not THAT bad", but frankly I think it is. What's more, I hope you, my friends, appreciate that I'm showing a part of myself usually only seen by my husband, my dogs, and my cat. This photo may expose several lies that I've told as well. I am not a size 2. I am not 25. There!

Confession is good for the soul! Particularly on a Sunday!