Thursday, October 13, 2011

We're Just Like Ashton and Demi (But Different)

Alex does not have bangs.

Ashton has been married to Demi for 6 years. Alex and I have been married for 22 years. Ashton has acted in movies. Alex has taken acting classes and he was actually quite good at it. Ashton is taller than Demi. Alex is shorter than me (but he says he isn't).

Demi Moore has kids. I have kids. When I was Demi's age, I was as skinny as she is, but I'm not now. Demi has two ex-husbands. I have at least that many. Demi has appeared on film topless. I have too. Demi shaved her head for her role in "GI Jane". I wear my hair very short.

The age difference between Ashton and Demi is about the same as the age difference between me and Alex. Is it any surprise that I wake up some days thinking I'm her?

When that happened this morning, I immediately started to hyperventilate because I was missing my husband in my bed. I felt sure that he was off frolicking in a hot tub with some bimbo named Sara. I was pretty sure too that he and Sara would probably have unsafe sex after the soak. I was pissed. How could he do this to me?

Wait, I'm not Demi. Alex is not Ashton. He just went to work.


Monday, October 10, 2011

My Deformity - My Secret Shame

There I was about four years old.

Adorable, if I do say so myself. Still, that long hair hid a dreadful secret. My mom told me that my ears stuck out and I must never show them NO MATTER WHAT.

Of course, because I was told that I had this dreadful problem, I immediately began looking around me and seeing all the girls with ponytails. I wanted a ponytail more than anything!

My mom actually told my dad that she was going to try and find a surgeon who could make my ears not stick out so much. My dad scoffed at the idea of such a thing and told her she was being ridiculous. I wasn't so sure. I mean, what kid wants to be nicknamed "Dumbo"?

My mother was a very enterprising woman. She found an ad in a movie magazine for an adhesive that would correct this problem. I think I was about eight years old the day she finally pulled my hair into a ponytail and then she glued my ears down and sent me to school. Man! I shook that ponytail for all I was worth and I was thrilled.

Unfortunately, while I was sitting in the classroom shaking my ponytail from side to side, "boing!" one of my ears came unglued.

I was mortified. I was the girl with the one ear glued back and one ear sticking way far out! I tried to push the ear back into the adhesive but like so many things in my "technical" efforts, it was to no avail. I even tried using a piece of chewing gum to get the ear to lay back down, but it didn't work either.

I decided the best thing might be just to un-stick the other ear, but that was not possible without paint thinner or a surgeon. It held fast. Nobody said anything and I think it's because they felt sorry for me.

By the time I was 14, I realized my ears were not deformed at all and that my mother was goofy as bat-shit. I pushed my hair behind my ears or pulled it into a ponytail anytime I wanted.

I just never looked back at the days when I had to hide my ears NO MATTER WHAT.