Saturday, May 22, 2010

Doing It My Way

My pal, Laura, at The Purse Blogger gave me a little something called the "Plastic Joy Award"! Thank you Laura! If you don't already know Laura, check her out!

Now, this award came with a picture of a Barbie doll (I think) lying atop a Ken doll. I get the idea from the photo, and from Laura's explanation that I should name the 5 people I would like to "knock boots with" or "boink".

As I thought about this, in all honesty, I am a terrible bore because the only boinking I have any interest in is with my husband Alex. But, it's really more of a variety than it sounds like. In the beginning, Alex was a poor sailor. I love sailors. always have, always will. Right after that, Alex was an aircraft mechanic and a college student. Then Alex was a weekend warrior with the Air National Guard. I loved the BDU's (in fact, even more than the bell bottoms). Then Alex was Air Force. I love the dress blues! Now Alex is a defense contractor, computer scientist, and retired military. Hot! So don't feel sorry for me.

I've changed the rules a bit here on this knocking boots stuff. I am going to name the 5 men I would love to spend a couple of hours talking to. I find all of these men very appealing for a variety of reason, just not as appealing as my husband.

5. Bill Gates, Microsoft Founder and Philanthropist

I admire the guy. (Alex does not like him.) I don't care. I think he's great! The dude is a total brain and has done so much for so many. He inspires me!

4. Sean Connery (as James Bond)

I still think Sean is the only REAL James Bond. Not only did I love him as James Bond, I wanted to BE him as James Bond. This guy was the coolest secret agent who ever walked the silver screen!

3. Willie Mays - The Greatest Ballplayer Ever !

Willie embodied grace, style, talent and modesty! He was my hero when he played for the Giants and he will be my hero for all of my life. Spending two hours talking to the man would be the thrill of a lifetime!

2. Jet Li - An Extraordinary Athlete, Actor, and Good Guy

There is something about this man that just fascinates me. Maybe it's his talent, or his smile. Whatever, I'd love to know him. He just seems so real and down to earth!

1. Alex - The Best of the Best

Alex is smart, funny, handsome, talented, brave, sweet, gentle, good, caring, generous, daring, interesting, adventurous, amazing, friendly, sexy, charming, stylish, and MINE. (Yeah, using Alex is cheating on my list! So sue me!)

Thursday, May 20, 2010

I Hate Surveys

When someone calls me on the phone and tells me they are taking a very important survey and they would like me to participate, I really should say no.

The problem is, I really hate saying no. (Ask any of my high school prom dates!) On occasion if I am really in the middle of something (cooking, reading blogs, polishing my toenails), I will actually say "uh, can you call me later?" The survey person will then ask me what time. Stupid me tells them.

It isn't really that I don't want to be helpful, cooperative, and so on. It's mainly that I just hate being told what my answers have to be. There I go with my problem following directions again. If my answers have to be Always, Usually, Sometimes, Seldom, or Never, where do you put "once in a blue moon", or "hell if I know", or even "well, it depends".

Then we get to the "Strongly agree", "Somewhat agree", "Somewhat disagree", and "Strongly disagree" but that doesn't leave much room either.

If you want to call me and ask my opinion, why can't you let me put in my own words. Sometimes it's worked strongly one way, but the next time it's worked strongly the other way and so why isn't there a checkpoint for "strongly feel neutral" over this question.

Yes, I have met men taking surveys, in fact I had one fly in from a bathtub in Indiana to meet me.

I think I almost always frustrate the survey taker enough that they kind of wish they had never reached me at all by the time I'm half way through the survey. (Okay, even earlier than that, to be honest.)

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

John And The Whore Plus Four

When "Jon and Kate Plus Eight" was losing popularity, my son John told me he wanted to contact the networks with his own idea for a reality show. Yes, he thought "John and the Whore Plus Four" could slip right in and take over with great ratings.

It might not be nearly as funny to me if everyone of them did not have the glow of good health, innocence of pure hearts, clear skin, all their teeth, and fine moral fiber, (sort of like Catholic Osmond's). I thought about suggesting that he title his show "Kate and the Bore Plus Four", but had to acknowledge it didn't really have the same ring to it.

John is a partner in a law firm. He's smart, funny, and pretty charming. Kate splits her time between taking kids places, working as a substitute teacher, creating art projects, and running marathons. She is also a world class chef, and swills champagne with strawberries at the bottom after 6 AM runs. In other words, yes, she is my kind of girl.

When John gets home from his 12 hour day, Kate can be found with a cocktail shaker in hand as he walks in the door, having mixed him the perfect Marker's Mark Manhattan. I have seen the weary roll right off his face at the sight of his lovely wife, shaking the cocktail (and a little more for emphasis). Watching that little shake, I have to realize, yes, there is a reason this woman has four kids!

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Who Writes These Headlines?

"Cops Find Naked Drunken Teen In Stranger's Bathtub" (This event happened in Indiana.)

"Slain Woman Found In Suitcase Off Embarcadero" ("There was no obvious cause of death, but the police are treating it as a homicide.") You think?

"Head Of Christian Bike Club Gets Probation" (Don't you kind of wonder what the rest of him got?)

I'm really sorry. I know these things are not funny. But, taken together in today's SF Newspaper, there is kind of a weird reaction I get. Reading these headlines makes me feel like I've been drinking. (And, Jen, I have not.)

It has turned kind of warm and soggy in my little corner of the world. I refused to do laundry yesterday because it was raining and I have to go outside and go down to the basement to do it. I hate the basement and find it scary and gloomy in the best of times. In the rain, you gotta be kidding.

I've used the excuse of a leaky brain to avoid laundry for about 2 weeks, but my brain has stopped leaking and so it has to get done. I'm tired of pulling on a bathing suit every morning because I have no clean underwear. Worse, I'm not sure Alex has any either. I told him to just turn them inside out.

I worry that I am the kind of woman who could end up in a suitcase, dead of no obvious reason.

Monday, May 17, 2010

Rainy Monday Morning With The Hounds From Hell

Alex left for work at 6:30 AM (his usual time). I rolled over and realized I was awake and it was unlikely I'd go back to sleep.

Still, I thought about waiting an hour or so before I got up. It's dark and cold and spitting rain this morning. Damn! And we're almost up to June. Did Spring forget us this year?

My plans to lie abed and meditate came to a halt when the most horrid racket I had every heard came from the back yard. All I could figure is that someone was being murdered back there and I'd better get up to go offer first aid or call the police. Murder, uh no. Bloody mating squirrels!

Now both dogs are frothing at the mouth and doing their best Cujo imitation. We have hardwood floors and very high ceilings in this old house. The sounds of their barks, growls, and carrying on echoes to the point of making me consider turning them into silent ninjas with a voice box removal operation.

Harry was in a total frenzy, trying to bust through the window to get at the mating (I guess) squirrels. Honey is trying to attack Harry to show those squirrels that if she can do this to Harry, just imagine what she can do to them! I feel like I've entered the 7th Circle of Hell!

Murder, mayhem, torture, sex, I've had it all this morning and on a Monday, I don't need it all, (except maybe the sex). In any case, the squirrels finished their nasty business and scampered off. I let the hounds out in the yard and went back to bed.