Saturday, May 15, 2010

Threesomes Can Bring Such Joy!

Some days, there just nothing like a threesome. This is one of those days!

This is not my first threesome. When I was 30, I spent a lovely night in bed on New Years Eve between two gorgeous Irish lassies! It was much more innocent than it sounds, but it is a night I've never forgotten. And yes, I was in the middle.

When I was about 40, I spent the night in bed between two sailors. This was also a lot more innocent than it sounds, but I'm not going to explain as I always like leaving just a little to the imagination. Plus, since we are discussing threesomes here, I think it's important that I have "street cred" if you will!

That done, I think it was on Friday, I was reading some of the delightful, charming, interesting, and thought provoking comments on one of my little articles. Sammy, the coolest dude in anybody's class, said he had something for me on his site, "To Unravel". Because it was Sammy, I raced right over and was delighted to find the prestigious "Versatile Blogger" Award! Since this award says poems, and I have never written one here, in honor of Sammy I am presenting my first poem ever on The Good, The Bad, The Worse! Here goes:

For Sammy

In old Khartoum, where the roses bloom, and the living is sweeter than candy,
We'll sit for a while, on the banks of the Nile, and admire whatever is handy.

Now there are of course some directions that come with this award, but I'm going to get to them in my own way in just a bit. Writing that piece of verse for Sammy took a lot out of me as I'm sure you can understand.

That same day, I continued on and found a little message from Small Town Girl over at How Much Longer Till Friday? Seems my ever enchanting STG had given me a Sunshine Award! Now if there's anything we need right now in my view, it's a little more sunshine in our lives! In fact, I just couldn't be happier to receive this award from this amazing Texas woman who can have me roaring with laughter one minute and on the verge of tears the next. If you have not made her acquaintance yet, I strongly suggest you do so. You won't be sorry.

That same day (if you can believe it!) I was checking out the awesome writer at "My Mercurial Nature" and I found that she had gifted me with the "Honest Scrap" Award. Ms. Nature has delighted me for many hours with her wit, charm, and parenting style wonderfuness! (Yes, I just coined that word for her!) I am delighted to receive the Honest Scrap because I kind of think it says it all!

Where was I? Okay, I'm sort of ad lib here, because I have such a challenge following directions. One thing was to tell stuff about me that you might not know. I think the award asked for 10 things, but here's my way of doing it. *I had a bad stutter as a kid. *That may be why I like to write. *I love drinking hot tap water. *Photos of me have been in magazines. *I'm not telling what kind of magazines.

Next, thank the giver. I think I did that. Sammy, if I didn't actually say "thank you" I wrote you a poem. To my other two lovely women gift givers, I say "Thank You!" with my whole heart. And I will write you poems too if you want.

Now I can pass these along to bloggers to tell them what high esteem I hold them in. So what I'm going to do is pass on the threesomes to each recipient so they can say they have had a threesome too!

1. The first recipient is Meleah at "Momma Mia, Mea Culpa". This lady has me hooked on "Doing Things Differently". She is hysterical and Oh My Word Gorgeous! I've laughed myself sick reading how she exercises to the point of exhaustion and then has a cigarette! I love her! Enjoy your threesome, Meleah!

2. Mike at "We Work For Cheese" is a very funny guy. He frets and obsesses over his garden, squirrels and/or cats attacking his tulips (my husband does not even know what a tulip is!) and is very fond of cheese. In other words, just about the perfect man. And Mike, here's your threesome!

3. Nicky at "We Work For Cheese" is astounding. I want her to come and live with me. She's the funniest, prettiest, and most talented girl in the whole world. I love her!

4. Ziva at "Ziva's Inferno" kind of defies description. She's amazing, mysterious, funny, wicked, and has the widest selection of costumes I've ever seen! (Ziva had Nicky dressed up in that Panda Costume for that movie you may remember.) She rocks! Go check her out, you won't be sorry!

5. Carol at "Life and Loves of The Bubble Bath Queen" is another recipient! Her articles jump off the page and make you say "Wow!" She's fun, sunny, upbeat, and the dating queen of the universe! Go say hi!

6. Paula at "How To Become A Cat Lady Without The Cats" is one of the most talented writers I've ever read. She has such wit, style, and sophistication that I feel humbled to be on the same page with her! But, Paula (AKA CatLadyLarew) is also a great woman to include in any threesome! She's simply "hot"!

7. And last but not least, (drum roll)... No list about threesomes or joy would be worth their salt if they didn't include Jen, the mistress of "Tribal Blogs" a wonderful community for writers to exchange ideas and interact, and the hostess of "Redhead Ranting". Jen is a Ravishing Redhead, and gives the words "Red Hot Mama" validation. She's spunky, witty, charming, and amazing and I think of her as one of my daughters! If you don't know her, you should!

Since I think I was supposed to give one award to 6 people, one award to 10 people, and one award to just 3 people, as usual, I have done things my own way. I figure that since I gave three awards to 7 people, that's 21, right? I'm in the ballpark anyway!

Friday, May 14, 2010

Friday Confessional

Okay, all us sinners, it's (it is, Darling Glam) time for us to hook up with the Gorgeous, Gutsy and Glamorous Glamazon for our weekly repent session. We always feel better after we do this, so don't put it off. I'm just so glad I have a place to spew all of my sins!

1. Allergies are making me drink whiskey. Now I'm not just itchy and sneezy, I'm hungover too.

2. I bought two packages of our favorite cookies but I hid one so I won't have to share it with Alex.

3. Alex is always thinking about food. When we are having lunch he wants to know what we're having for dinner. Why doesn't he just think about nudie bars or something?

4. My leaky brain is having a negative impact on my personality. I'm pissed off about it. I am afraid to take a shower. If I take a shower, I could bleed to death in there and nobody would know for hours and hours. I also am afraid to lean over the sink to wash my hair because if I put my head down like that, I could strangle on my leaking brain. It's not really that I am so terrified of dying, but I want to do it in a certain way if that's not too much to ask. I want to be wearing a pretty clean nightgown, be lying on clean sheets, and not do anything messy, just sort of lady like slip away. Leaky brains do not lend themselves to that scenario.

5. A friend suggested that I stick a little Vaseline up my nose to keep it from bleeding. I did that yesterday and I haven't had any more nosebleeds. Maybe this works. But I still resent it. Seems like all of my hard fast rules have gone out the window. I never stuck anything up my nose was one. Never sticking anything up another orifice was another. Damn and double damn! Now I'm just saying that sticking Vaseline up my nose is not that bad, but have you ladies been to the GYN lately? I'm just sayin...

Thursday, May 13, 2010

Are They Spoiled?

People say I spoil my pets. Perhaps they are right.

This is a photo of Harry's bed. Harry loves his bed. He sleeps in it every night.

Harry likes to lay at the end of the bed where he can see his reflection in the mirror. He watches himself a lot. Harry seems to really admire his reflection and I think that's a good thing.

Perhaps the room is really too feminine for Harry, but he doesn't seem to think so. He's very happy with it just as is.

Harry has a sitting room too. It's less formal. He does like his creature comforts, that boy. He almost never naps on the floor. Harry more or less refuses to lie on the floor. Weird, huh?

The only exception to this refusal to lie on the floor has come in the last week or so. Now Harry joins me every day as I take my bath.
He comes in and rests his head on the side of the tub for the first few minutes just watching me intently, (yes, it can be a tad unnerving). He then settles down on the bath mat right next to the tub. Harry gets up if I splash to see what's going on, but then goes back to his position on the floor to rest while he's on duty for bath patrol.

When I try to get out of the bath, I have to be very careful. Climbing over Harry is no small feat when you are wet. He's a big boy!

Honey is very comfortable on the floor. She has beds all over the house that she uses. When nobody is looking, she gets up on the sofa in Harry's sitting room. As soon as anybody walks in the room, she jumps off like she's embarrassed to be caught or she might get in trouble. After all these years, she still won't get up on any piece of furniture if we are anywhere around.

When we have gone on trips and left the dogs in the room while we went to dinner, both dogs are on the bed when we get back. But Honey will immediately jump down more or less to say "It wasn't me!"

Now Smokey the cat is an entirely different kettle of fish so to speak. He sleeps where every he wants. Cats are like that. His favorite spot is in my closet hidden under my hanging clothes, but he can be found asleep any number of places in the house. Bathroom? Sure! Tub? Sometimes Shower, yup! He sleeps in bed with me and Alex or on any of the other beds in the house (except Harry's).

Smokey Joe does not move if he's in a chair and you want to sit there. You go sit someplace else is his attitude. One thing he really loves is patches of sunshine. He has all those patches timed and makes his rounds every day. Early morning, upstairs bedroom. Mid morning, under the skylight in the family room. Afternoon, the parlor is a great place to people watch through the white lace curtains. Late afternoon, the kid's bedroom upstairs.

It's a busy life.

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Trusting Your Gut Instinct

I have been wrong. But I'm usually not wrong if I follow my gut instinct.

Even when my intellect tells me, "don't be silly!", I tend to ignore that and do what feels right to me. Getting in on that great opportunity? Great? Or not so much? Trusting the gut is probably the best thing you can do.

When Alex and I were first married, we rented a nice house in San Francisco. It was a fairly big place and pretty modern. Unfortunately, it was not in one of the best areas, but we weren't worried. (I've lived around gang bangers most of my life and so has Alex.)

The thing that did worry me a little was our landlord, Ron. Ron was a Lt. Colonel in the Army and there was something a little "off" about the guy. For example, I came home from work early one day and heard music being played on our stereo. Walking up to the landing, I see Ron and a lady friend, sipping a glass of wine and chatting.

Ron's explanation was that he came over to make sure all the washers in the sinks were working properly. Uh huh. Oh and he brought me and Alex a bottle of wine. Uh huh. Was I over-reacting? I wasn't sure, but I was sure this guy was on the wrong side of eccentric!

Ron made it a practice to come up and do maintenance on this new house about 2 or 3 times a month. (I have never had such an involved landlord in my life.) He just worried me a bit. But, hey! Ron was an Army officer so he must be okay, right?

After we lived there for 6 years, Ron came over and told me he was going to put the house on the market. He asked me if Alex and I would stay until the house was sold, because it was much more attractive with people living in it and our furnishing complemented the house. Oh sure Ron. That sounds great. Now what's in it for me?

Alex and I decided we were not going to get divorced (after all) and that we might as well go look for a house to buy at that point. We gave Ron our notice, packed up and moved out. We returned to clean the house and something told me to bring along a camera.

In all of my years as a renter, I have always had every cent of my cleaning fee returned. I leave a house or apartment spotless when I vacate it. In this case, the cleaning deposit was $2500 and I wasn't about to give up that money.

Before we left, we had shampooed the carpets, cleaned the blinds, polished every surface in the house and washed the windows. It was immaculate. I went through the house and carefully photographed every room. I even went so far as to photograph the inside of the oven and refrigerator. Alex was laughing at me because it was so obvious that the house was clean. Uh huh.

About 2 weeks after we moved, we got the letter from Ron. I was all happy, thinking oh boy! Here's our refund! Uh, no. What Ron sent us was a letter saying that he was keeping the $2500 and we owed him an additional $700 for "damages". There were no damages. The man had itemized that we had left 14 wire hangers in the closet and he was charging is $5.00 each for the removal of said hangers (which included his time, you see.) There were also itemized charges for burned out light bulbs (replacement, removal of burned out light bulbs, and Ron's time). Say what???

Okay, there is no way this jerk is getting away with this. I got the forms and filed a suit against Ron in Small Claims Court. Alex and I went into Court not having any idea what to expect, but I did bring my photos. Long story short, of course we won and Ron was told to return every cent of our "cleaning deposit" to us. The photos had made it perfectly clear that we had indeed left the house in perfect condition.

Trust your gut!

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Why Is Katy Perry Topping Maxim's Top Hot 100 List

First of all, who is Maxim Magazine and why are they telling us about a top hot 100? I've never heard of them.

Katy Perry apparently beat out Megan Fox (of Transformer's fame) and Kim Khardasian (of having a big butt and a sex tape fame), but I only know one thing about her. Katy did a nice ditty called "I Kissed a Girl and I Liked It". (The reason I like this song was that I could easily revise it for Harry and sing "I kissed a squirrel and I liked it... Hope Peta doesn't mind it".)

How on earth could Katy Perry and that dumb song come in ahead of Nicky at We Work For Cheese? How could she come in ahead of the Glamorous and Mysterious Ziva of Ziva's Inferno? Or for that matter, what has she got on Jen of Redhead Ranting? I'll tell you what! Not a damned thing!

What is this Maxim's criteria? Megan Fox is pretty cute. I've never seen her in a movie though. What exactly is her claim to fame?

And I know Kim made a sex tape that really wasn't half bad. She could have shown a little more genuine enthusiasm to make it better, but it did include a golden shower so I guess you give her an extra point for that. I've seen worse porn films. (Hell, I've been in worse porn films!) But I still cannot for the life of me understand what these Maxim people are thinking.

If they had named Lady Gaga I would have actually had to think it over. I think the woman is pure performance art and has drastically changed the pop music scene in a good way. She may not be your cup of tea, but the young lady is talented. I really love her somewhat androgynous demeanor and the fact that although I've seen a lot of her, I really don't have a clue what she looks like.

My point being, I do not really know what Nicky looks like, or Ziva, or Jen for that matter. But I know they are beautiful, talented, intelligent, funny and exciting women. No sex tapes required.

Monday, May 10, 2010

The Perfect Gift

There is really something special about a gift that comes right from the heart.

It may not be the gift I've always dreamed of, but then what gift is?

Harry has gifted me in the past with a dead squirrel, but that did nothing to prepare me for the black rat.

My husband Alex is Navajo Indian. When he and I married, his mother went to considerable effort to try and buy 3 sheep and a goat for my mother as is traditional in the Navajo culture. Since I was older than Alex, she was actually getting a break because in my younger days, I would have been a 10 sheep woman.

My Mom was living in a condo and while she had a little patio space, she had to gracefully decline the gifts.

When my son John was in the Navy, he was on a West Pac cruise and they had numerous ports of call. Bless his heart, he bought me several really lovely gifts from Korea, Thailand, and Africa. One time, he sent home an enormous crate filled with goodies. (I did have to pay about $400 to receive the stuff.)

You can only imagine my delight when I found a large painting ( on velvet yet) of a tiger! I think it even glowed in the dark. Just what I've always wanted. There was also a Korean quilt that weighed about 100 pounds (and was that wonderful shade of mud!) I think it's safe to say that John drank a bit on those shore leaves.

My husband bought me a double barreled shotgun for my birthday a couple of years ago. For Mother's Day two years ago, I got the Walther PPK.

If only he had gotten me the bowling ball.