Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Making Do and Making Out

Making do is what happens after you are married.

Making out is what you do when you are not married.

The first time I made out I think I was 14 and I certainly liked it. In fact, I liked it enough that I primarily thought about making out during all my waking hours for the next few years. (Okay, yeah, it was longer than that.)

When I was 15, I made the terrible mistake of "going all the way" with my boyfriend who assured me he would love me forever. I was somewhat upset when the next day he not only broke up with me, but told all his friends I had put out for him. The bad news was my reputation was shot. The good news is I always had a prom date. Of course, I continued to "make out" with a lot of boys, but I didn't climb back on the horse if you get my drift.

After my semi-revirgination, I met my future husband. He and I made out in cars, in swimming pools, in churches, in hallways, in my mother's house, in his mother's house and I thought I had found the perfect mate for me, particularly after he told me he wanted to marry me. I was 19 and surely ready for marriage.

We married. Guess what? The make out thing was over. Now it was sex. Just sex. None of the really fun stuff. Sex and more sex and more sex. What happened to all that make out stuff? It was over. Duh!

We got divorced in due time, (well, after two adorable and perfectly formed offspring), and I happily went back to my old ways of making out with guys. Everything was hunky dory for a while, until I got married again. Okay, I don't need to tell you what happened (or didn't happen) because you already know.

Men / boys / whatever all love to make out when they aren't married to you. Once they are married, that changes immediately. I just don't really understand why.

So I guess we just make do, huh?

Sunday, July 24, 2011

After Winning the $61 Million Dollar Lottery

I had Alex take this photo before we checked our numbers.

See how slightly smug I look? I know I would be a little overcome with emotion after finding out we won, so I wanted to go ahead and do the pose first.

We spent a little time yesterday talking about how we would use our lottery money. First things first, I want to get the wall to wall carpet taken out of one of the spare bedrooms and have the hardwood floors refinished.

Secondly, we really need to have a new lawn planted because although our lawn is green, it's mainly green crabgrass and green weeds.

We also need to get the bathrooms painted. Oh, and probably the kitchen. Plus, the exterior could use new paint too.

Alex wants a new Z-4 BMW Coupe. Whatever.

The Alameda Animal Shelter is closing. We might build a new Shelter and hire really good people to staff it. I would want animals taken care of to the highest standards possible. Maybe we can even fly in Cesar Milan to help with the training. Wouldn't that be wonderful. Maybe have a place for 50 or so animals and train and groom them, while feeding and exercising them so they would be in demand as pets. This might not sound like it, but it would probably cost a lot of money if you do it right.

The other big thing I want to do is to gather up about 100 Nigerians and take them to a Giants ballgame with us. We have a Nigerian Ship in port at Coast Guard Island right now, and I think it's only here for the next week. I have seen numerous Nigerian sailors all over town for the last month. I love Nigerians. I always smile and wave and yell "Hello' at them. They always grin and wave and say "Hello" back to me. (Yes, it embarrasses my husband, but so what.) I love Nigerians. I have two gorgeous Nigerian daughters, Ginger and Lily. I want to help find them husbands. Nigerians are beautiful and friendly people. That's why I love them.

Alex said I should just start loving Chinese people because we have a lot of them around. I do like Chinese people too, but I'm sorry, they aren't Nigerians. Plus, I have no interest in marrying Ginger or Lily off to some Chinese guy when there are handsome Nigerian men around for them to marry.

Time to check the lotto numbers. Wish us luck!

Oh Hells Bells! We didn't win! I'm so sorry, Lily and Ginger! And I'm really am sorry I can't take the Nigerian Sailors to a ballgame. And I'm sorry I can't build a pet shelter.

The floors and paint, eh!