Thursday, December 15, 2011

How To Lose 7 pounds In 7 Days

It really has been very easy.

First, hear devastating news that your dog is very sick, and it looks like the sickness is going to be terminal. That will start to kill your appetite for sure.

Spend a couple of days waiting to see if your dog is getting worse. When you acknowledge that indeed, she is getting worse, you aren't going to want to eat at all.

Make the decision to put her down. There's an other 2 or 3 pounds right there. Take your dog in for the fatal visit at the vet's. Go home and drink wine. When you finish the wine, grab the whiskey. Drink like there's no tomorrow, because really you feel like there won't be.

Wake up the next morning sad, miserable, and hung over. You realize the last time you ate was at noon on Friday and it's now Sunday. Opt for some duck soup. Finish part of it. Sunday night force yourself to eat a slice of pizza.

Monday, have coffee and diet coke. Eat a slice of toast whether you want it or not about noon. Call your doctor for pain pills because you have thrown your back out trying to lift your big dog off the floor when she kept falling.

The pain pills tend to make you nauseous, so continue to eat a piece of toast once in a while. And have lots and lots of Diet Coke.

Almost a week into this miracle diet, step on the scale. You were tired of seeing 137 pounds, weren't you? Well, what do you know! You see 130 pounds register.

Go outside to get the garbage cans and bring them in. Have your next door neighbor say "Linda! You've lost weight! You are so lucky!"

Think seriously about shooting her in the head.

Sunday, December 11, 2011

Honey's Bucket List

She had an interesting life.

Honey gave a man a table dance in New Mexico. She knocked martini glasses and beer bottles all over the floor. Honey was not the shy type.

She ate Navajo fry bread on the Rez. She got wet in the Pacific Ocean. She licked the snow and rolled in it. Honey wandered through the forest and ran for miles in the desert. She took trips from Santa Cruz to Mendocino. Honey also traveled to Utah Bryce Canyon, to Canyon De Chelle, to Carson City, to Colorado. She liked a car ride a whole lot. The window open blowing the wind in her face and the smells of a million different things rushing past her.

Honey was a big girl about of about 70 pounds. She was always trying to diet, but we never enforced it much. She loved food and she and I think it's better to be rounder and happy rather than skinny and hungry.

When I walked Honey, people would cross the street to avoid passing her. Honey looked "fierce". Children always knew better and gathered around her to pet her every chance they got.

Honey loved music and she danced. She also bucked like a pony when she got excited. She laid down the law to other dogs to teach them manners.

Honey got to run free and roll in the grass at her own private park at Coast Guard Island. Every Christmas, she got a steak for her dinner and a little vanilla ice cream for dessert.

Honey seemed to "run down" about two weeks ago. The vet found that she had a large mass in her stomach as well as very painful arthritis that was all down her spine. She stopped wanting to take a walk and lost interest in having fun.

Although it was not really Christmas, Honey had a big New York steak for her breakfast yesterday. She also got ice cream for dessert.

She's gone now, but I don't think she missed a thing on her bucket list.