Friday, January 22, 2010

He Knew It Was Gonna Be A Bad Day!

I'd like to introduce my son, John. John is a prominent attorney in the Sacramento, California area and he specializes in Family Law. Johnny is in his early 40's and successful, hard-working, smart as a whip, and extremely good looking. John is tall, slim, very athletic,and he runs marathons. He is happily married to Kate, and they have 4 beautiful children. I've heard people say John looks like a young Richard Gere.

Yesterday was my birthday. I almost always get flowers from my son on my birthday but yesterday I did not. John called last evening to tell me that my "gift" would arrive the day after my birthday because he had a really bad day. It seems his socks were stolen very early in the morning. Now, I've heard of "the dog ate my homework" excuses, but "my socks were stolen" is a new one to me. Pray tell, John, how did this come to pass?

John is an early riser. He gets to his office between 6 and 6:30 AM every day of the week and usually one day over the weekend as well. Yesterday morning was no exception. John likes to spend an hour at the gym located in his downtown office building before beginning his day. He went into the gym's locker room and changed into his work out clothes. Since he was the only person there, and because it is a pretty secure environment, he does not have a lock for his locker.

In the midst of John's work out, another man came in and they exchanged "good morning" greetings. The guy who came in went into the locker room to change. A different man walked out of the locker room, walking briskly and keeping his head down. John thought to himself "Where the hell did he come from?" Finishing his exercise routine, John went to shower and get dressed. He had a meeting scheduled for 8:00 AM and needed to be on time. He dressed in his underwear, and navy blue wool suit, put on his snowy white crisp cotton shirt, and yellow Hermes silk tie. John reached for his shoes and noticed his socks were not there. He distinctly remembered laying his socks across the top of his shoes and putting his empty athletic bag on top of them. The socks were gone. He looked everywhere including in the trash basket. The socks were gone. All at once John recalled the mystery man who hurried out of the gym. A light bulb went off in John's head and he thought "That guy stole my socks!"

He put his shoes on his bare feet, pulled on his cashmere topcoat and walked out of the gym to the security desk. Two security people looked at him expectantly. John told them "Someone stole my socks while I was in the gym." The security people suppressed a snicker and said, "What makes you think your socks were stolen, Sir?" He held up his leg and said, "I am a lawyer. I am wearing a suit and tie and a cashmere coat. Do I look like a man who would not wear socks?" The security guys were properly chastised by John's comment and they quickly agreed that no, he did not look like a man who would not wear socks. They further asked if John had any suspicions about who might have stolen his socks.

John then relayed the information about the man who hurried out of the gym with his head down. The security people looked at each other and said "Did he have curly hair?" and John responded "yes!". Then they said "Was he wearing glasses?" Again, John said "yes!". One of the security people then asked "Did he look kind of weird?" Yeah, come to think of it, he did look a little weird! The security team indicated to John, "We think we know something about this!" It seems last week, another man had his underwear stolen from the locker room by a man matching John's description. They were going to look on the security tape and see what they could turn up.

John, at last felt like he was being taken seriously and he turned to go upstairs to his office. Realizing he was not wearing socks, he was hesitant to make a first impression dressed like an eccentric. The morning was pretty taken up with explaining why he wasn't wearing socks, running to Macy's as soon as they opened to get another pair of socks, and feeling the trauma of violation. He returned to the Security station after lunch and asked if they had been able to identify the possible thief. They said that they were pretty sure they had him on camera. Then they asked John, "How do you want us to proceed with this?" John responded that he didn't want those socks back if that's what they meant. The security people nodded gravely and said "We'll keep you posted Sir."

If this isn't a good excuse for not sending me flowers on my birthday, I don't know what is.


  1. I don't know... Those lawyers can be pretty creative with the truth, if you know what I mean. On the other hand, if he felt badly enough about being late with the flowers to have gone to all the trouble of making up a whopper like this, how can you possibly be mad? Either way, I think he's off the hook.

  2. Jayne, he's an OFFICER OF THE COURT - would he lie???

  3. Hmm...I was just thinking what a cutie he is as I read your post. Then you told us he was married. So am I, but who's to say we can't look? Next his faux pas. I think I agree with the previous comments.

  4. Jon-Jon would NEVER lie, especially about stolen Socks, fer chrissakes! He may have eaten "Fucky-Fried Chicken" when he was a little boy, but he would NEVER lie about stolen socks!! I love Jon-Jon!!!

  5. Oh yes, John has come a long way since announcing loudly on the bus he wanted "Fucky Fried Chicken" for his dinner. Actually, to my knowledge, John has never told a lie in his life and I have a long memory!

  6. I'd believe him... you can't make that stuff up! Now to see what he got you for your belated birthday.

  7. Hi, Linda. I just wanted to thank you for stopping by my blog...and for the kind, kind comments. I'm looking forward to hearing from you agagin--just "cut" and "past"--it works for me. And I'll be back checking in on you, too!
    I'm glad we "met"...Now following you! Hope that's okay.

  8. Thank you Alyssa! I love your blog! Hilarious and smart! I will be keeping up with you too!

  9. CatLadyLarew has the best name in the history of blogs! And a wonderful sense of humor! Check her out!