I Cannot Look At Train Wrecks

I cannot look at train wrecks.

If I see an ambulance and a police car, or paramedics at my neighbor's house, I move away from the window. I will call later to see if I can help in some way. But I won't watch someone in distress being carried from their home.

If I see a twisted wrecked car along the side of the highway, I immediately avert my eyes. I am not drawn to tragedy. Actually, I go to great lengths to avoid the "unpleasant".

The news is full of images of damaged bodies. I can't stand looking at them. I feel just as strongly about gazing at damaged souls. When I caught a glimpse of Britney Spears wildly chopping off her hair, I had to turn away. When I saw Anna Nicole Smith at an awards ceremony and obviously drugged, I couldn't look at her. I can't watch Lindsey Lohan and her exploits. Charlie Sheen is the latest poster child for troubled souls. I can't bear to watch him being interviewed because it's too sad.

I think I'm afraid of these horrifying and humiliating things and that's why I can't take part in watching. I know all too well what it feels like being carried on a gurney to an ambulance after an injury. I hated seeing faces at the windows watching me.

I also know what it's like to "lose it". I've screamed and cried and thrown things in rage, and in despair. I hate that there were witnesses to my degradation, but relieved I wasn't doing it on camera.

I've also been drunk. I'm just glad there were no cameras to record my behavior, or maybe I should call it "misbehavior". Nobody is at their best after too much to drink.

I had a boyfriend once who was drawn to my "crazy". He had a dark soul and loved the darkness in me. The worse I got, the more he loved me. In the end, he would have destroyed us both.

I do not love darkness nor do I embrace it. I love the light. So I really cannot look at train wrecks.