Tuesday, September 11, 2012
Hot Tubs, Yuppies, and Dogs
First off, I don't even particularly like water. Oh, it's fine to drink, but I have a preference for hot tap water if I'm drinking the stuff. Frankly, most of the time I'd rather have gin and juice.
Large bodies of water scare me. I'm fine with a bubble bath, but I don't swim. I don't like the ocean and lakes terrify me. I don't even enjoy a shower because it feels like the water is trying to drown me. One wrong turn and the water is in my eyes and up my nose.
I know people who have hot tubs. (These people are primarily yuppie types.) They all seem to think I want to get in their nasty hot water with them. I do not. Sometimes, yuppie people who have hot tubs want to get into them nekkid. That's fine for them if they are home alone, but don't even think about getting in a hot tub nekkid with me. That is gross.
Nasty stuff lives in hot water. Believe me on this one. If you go in, wear a wet suit just to be safe. All those bubbles can hide a multitude of sins. I'm just saying.
My dogs, Harry and Zoe don't like water either. Harry (the big guy who looks like a bear in this photo) likes chasing ducks into the water, but only up to his elbow joints. He also stays next to me when I am in the bathtub because he thinks I may be in need of protection from bad people if they should walk in while I'm bathing. He has a point.
I take my Kindle and iphone and regular telephone with me into the bathroom with me. But I never take guns,grenades, or knives. Harry thinks I'm being foolish not to, but hey. That's what he's here for. My former dog, Willie, a German Shepherd, loved the water. He would race into the waves at the ocean, jump in the lake, or splash into the tub with me at any given chance. Harry just lays down next to the tub and looks bored when I'm in the bath.
Zoe will not even walk into the bathroom if I am bathing. She hates water with a passion. Zoe will not even wade in after ducks. She's a girl after my own heart.
If I come to visit you, and you are a yuppie, and have a hot tub, I will sit on a chair next to your hot tub while you are in it and have a gin and juice. But don't invite me in because I won't do it.