A Cautionary Tale

You cannot really tell by looking at me that I can be a complete and total  blithering idiot, (unless you count the wacky hair, but that is my trademark).

My darling girl, Nicky and her gorgeous son Max, left early in the morning to go back home to that place in far east Canada.  I was feeling a little bluesy when the phone rang about noon, but had no idea that my life as I know it was about to change in the next few minutes.

A man was on the telephone and ascertained that he was talking to the correct person.  I assured him that he was.  This man then told me his name was Bruce Goodall and that he was a field agent for the DEA.  I made him repeat that part, and replied "Okay, Mr. Goodall, what can I do for you?"  At first I thought it might be a prank call, but within the next couple of minutes, I realized it was not.

Mr. Goodall told me I was being investigated because of my relationship with overseas pharmacy companies.  I was speechless.  I tried to interrupt him to say that I had no idea what he might be talking about.  He then asked me "Okay, Linda, then where are you getting your weight loss medication and your Xanax?"  Now I was really confused as I take neither drugs for weight loss or for anxiety, although I could probably have used both at this particular time.  This guy rambled on to me in a very hostile and threatening manner until I finally said, "Wait a minute!  About 5 years ago, I got a solicitation for Retin A eye cream.  I think it was from a Canadian Company and I ordered it on the internet."

Mr. Goodall asked me if I knew that Retin A was a controlled drug in the US?  ("I may have known that, but I'm not sure:  I just knew it was cheap compared to a visit to a skin doctor to get an order for it.  I assumed it was legal in Canada.", I responded.)  Mr. Goodall then asked if my husband knew that I had a close relationship with foreign pharmacies and drug dealers, and I told him I wasn't sure.  I may have told him I ordered the eye cream, but it was a long time ago.  Mr. Goodall told me that I would have to go to trial and that he had agents two blocks away from me ready to come and pick me up.  He also said that the company I had ordered the Retin A from was importing heroin and meth into the United States.  My prison sentence would be between 15 and 20 years if I went to trial and was found guilty.

By this time, I was shaking. Goodall then told me that there might be a way out of this mess for me if I was interested.  (Of course I was interested.  Orange is not my color!)  I'm making light of this now, but he actually had me scared.  Mr. Goodall told me to hold on for a moment and he would connect me with his boss, who was the head of the DEA in the area.  I was ready to cooperate at that point and that's for sure!

The man who came on the phone told me his name was Rick something or the other.  He said "We know you are not a drug dealer or even a problem drug user.  We want to work with you to get you out of this mess.  You made a mistake, that's all.  I don't want to see you in prison, Linda."  (I don't want to see me in prison either, Rick.)  At least Rick was playing the role of good cop and then he began telling me something about working this out with me paying a fine and it would all go away.

"What kind of a fine?" I asked.  Rick replied that he really wasn't sure, but it would be in the neighborhood of $5,000 to $10,000, and that this would have to be taken care of immediately.  Okay, I said, but wondering where I would lay hands on the money immediately.  The call got cut off and I was left there with the phone in my hand stark raving terrified. 

Then something came over me that made me stop panic mode and start thinking.  Wait a moment.  I didn't think what I did was illegal in the first place.  In the second place, who ever went to prison for 20 years for buying a tube of eye cream from Canada?  Also, since when does the DEA ask you for money to make it all "go away"?  There was something fishy going on.

Rick called back several minutes later.  He said that he had been working on the details of fixing the situation for me.  He then asked me if I was working on my part of it.  I responded "And what would that be, Rick?" and he blustered "putting together the money so that you can wire transfer it before the close of business today".  I replied that I was going to telephone my attorney and that until I had legal counsel, I would not be giving money to anyone.  Rick, (slightly hysterical now), replied "Don't contact an attorney!  Don't you see that would be a deal breaker!  I'm trying my hardest to help you out here."

I calmly asked for his phone number and told him I would get back to him after I spoke with my lawyer.  He hung up.

I did telephone the DEA local office and they assured me that this was an attempt at extortion.  They took a report and assured me that nobody from the DEA would make such a call.  Further, there are a list of drugs that cannot be imported from overseas, but eye cream was definitely not on that list.

I felt pretty stupid to have been taken in by such a wild tale, but these people were actually so intimidating that I lost my sense of judgement. I shudder to think that some people may not have been so lucky.

From now on if a person in law enforcement even asks me what time it is, I'm going to request that he or she  refer that question to my lawyer.

The Girl With The Porn Star Skin

I have to admit it.  I adore women with very fair skin.

I think that very white skin is so gorgeous, whether it's paired with dark hair or blond hair.

 I know a woman who has blond hair and skin like crushed pearls.  There is a hint (just a hint) of pink on her cheeks.  She wears glasses and that makes her doubly sexy and gorgeous.

I'm going to call her "Isis" for purposes of this post, because I certainly think she is a goddess of sorts.  Also, there are people who might actually recognize her from my description and I need to leave room for denial.

Oh she would argue with someone mentioning her beauty at a moment's notice.  Isis is the kind of woman who when complimented flushes slightly (making that hint of pink on her cheeks grow a bit more rosy) and disclaims any flattering remarks with a laugh.   I'm not sure if she knows how lovely she really is.

I saw Isis for the second time recently at an outdoor event.  Her skin actually glowed, even in the shade, and later by candlelight, she was incandescent.  One would be hesitant to touch her because you wouldn't want to leave a mark on such perfection.  One tap and she might have a red mark or a bruise that would last for days

Added to her physical charms, Isis is exquisitely intelligent and charming.  She is a no-nonsense type of woman, neither very young nor very young, but a woman in those special years, actually in full bloom for the first time. 

I saw my first porn film when I was about 30 years old.  The star was a woman with milky white skin and she was quite beautiful.  I've always been olive skinned and sometimes even quite dark skinned with any sun exposure at all.  I remember this porn star having creamy white thighs and breasts and I was actually quite jealous of her.  (No, I didn't have any acting aspirations myself.)  Somehow I've always associated that very fair perfect skin with porn queens, although they are probably not all pale. 

Isis dresses modestly and conservatively, but that only adds to her mystique.   Should she flash a thigh or lean over to show a bit of cleavage, you know perfectly well her skin everywhere is like crushed pearls and a bit of stardust.

Gads, she's gorgeous!  (And, yes, dear, this is about you!)

Lost and Found

This is a dress by Diane Von Furstenberg.

In case you don't know, Diane is Anderson Cooper's mother.  I have had a love affair with her dresses for decades.  DVF has made wonderful dresses for my body type ever since I had a body.  Her dresses are feminine, beautifully cut and fairly expensive.

I bought a DVF dress in the Spring of 2010.  I wore it to a party in Sacramento and also out to dinner once.  It was a beautiful dress and suited me perfectly. These dresses are made for "real women" and cut in a way to flatter a more normal body than is seen in the fashion magazines and ads.  Plus, DVF generally uses a high quality fabric, so I don't have the lovely polyester material that looks great until you spill something on it and then you might as well just throw it away.

About a year ago, I took a look for my DVF dress and found it missing.  (I very seldom take off my clothing places other than my home and leave places in my underwear.  I'm not saying it is impossible, but it's less likely now than it was when I was in my 20's if you get my drift.)

In any case, a thorough search of the house failed to turn it up and so I guess it somehow got tossed into the goodwill bin, taken by aliens, or left at a site away from home and never retrieved.

My husband had a lovely Armani dress shirt several years ago.  I bought the shirt as a gift to him for his birthday.  Armani suits Alex perfectly as they are cut wider in the shoulders and chest where he needs a little extra room.  Like my Diane Von Furstenberg dress, this shirt disappeared into thin air, never to be seen again.

Before you start feeling sorry for us, a strange thing has occurred in our home.  A pair of gorgeous Tommy Bahama silk walking shorts, just my size appeared out of nowhere in my closet.  I also had a very pretty black cashmere cardigan sweater appear that happened to be just my size.  I seriously have no idea where either of them came from.

Alex also had a very nice Hermes silk tie that disappeared from his closet.  Since Alex is not in the habit of wearing ties very often, it was quite a while before he noticed it was missing.  Never mind, Alex has a couple of Ralph Lauren jackets (windbreakers) that have appeared in his closet to replace the missing tie and shirt.

I am at a loss as to what has happened to many items that have gone missing.  I am also at a loss to explain how items seem to appear out of nowhere in our house.  Neither my husband Alex nor I have a sleepwalking condition.  And we don't have visitors our size or with our taste in clothing items.  Things just seem to disappear and other things appear with regularity.

Until just this morning, I had a black and white brindle pit bull named Zoe.  When I looked in the yard a few minutes ago, Zoe was missing and a standard black poodle with a name tag of "Jean Batiste" has appeared. 

He's a good looking dog;  Oh well.

A Love Story - And A Happy Tail

From the moment Zozo saw Max, she was captivated.

It may have had to do with his sharp clothes, stylish sunglasses, and side tilted ball cap.  (It didn't hurt that he spoke French either.)  Zoe was a goner.

In her extreme joy, Zoe whipped Max's legs a few times with her 16:" inch tail.  Zozo has something called "happy tail syndrome".  When she is happy, she yields the tail like a whip, sometimes causing herself to bleed from getting cuts on her tail when it hit furniture and walls.  The blood splatter and spray left the surrounding area looking like a mass murder had occurred in that location.

I too have sometimes suffered from "happy tail syndrome", but that's another post.

Max more or less misunderstood Zoe's devotion and screamed bloody murder upon being whacked repeatedly with that whip-like tail.  We got Max out of Zozo's reach and soothed his cries.  Zoe was very upset that the object of her affection screamed every time she got close to him.  When Zoe finally spotted Max asleep later that evening, she crept in to his room and up on his bed just to watch him with worshipful eyes.  She curled right in the corner of the bed and did not take her eyes off of Max for hours.

Zoe was discouraged.  All of her attentions seemed to frighten Max and make him move away from her.  She wanted so badly to lick him, to play with him, to sniff him.  Zozo even stopped wiggling really hard every time she saw him.  Sadly, it didn't help.  Understandably, Max wanted nothing to do with this dog with the whip-like tail.

My daughter Sheila; and my grand-daughter Arianna paid us a visit on Friday morning.  This visit totally changed Max's perspective of Zozo.  He laughed with real joy as Zoe kissed, smelled, rubbed against, and otherwise made a pest of herself with Sheila and Arianna.  When Sheila and Arianna petted Zoe, Zozo threw herself on the floor and stuck all 4 legs straight up in the air to encourage a tummy rub.  Max was finally convinced that Zozo was just trying to play with him all along and not trying to hurt him.

From that point forward, Max laughed at Zozo when she approached him.  He tossed balls and toys for her and let her lick him on the nose!

After Max left for home on Monday, Zozo climbed up on the bed and sniffed his pillow.  With a sigh, she put her head down and looked forlorn.  Zoe  looked everywhere for Max for days. Her tail ceased to wag at all. 

Finally,yesterday, I showed Zoe a photo of Max on the computer.  Her tail swung back into action and she whacked me a good one right across the shin.

Zozo has her happy tail back, thank goodness!

Nude Is Not Lewd

Naked guy on right side of photo

No trip to San Francisco would be complete without a trip to the gay capital of the world, the Castro District!  I had told Nicky and Alex that people walk around naked in the Castro and they both thought I was teasing them.  (Actually, the California Supreme Court ruled that "nude is not lewd" and therefore legal, but one must carry a towel to sit on "for sanitary purposes.")

Nicky, Max, Alex and I drove across the Bay Bridge from Alameda and went to San Francisco's Chrissie Field in the Marina District for gorgeous views of the Golden Gate Bridge.  En route, darling Max dozed off and so I stayed in the car with him while Alex and Nicky ventured over to the base of the Bridge.

Nicky at the beach with Golden Gate in background

Alex took a couple of really great photos of Nicky with the Golden Gate as the backdrop.  It was a stunningly clear day so we had wonder view of Alcatraz and the Marin Headlands.  We oohed and ahhed at the windsurfers and enjoyed watching the children play in the freezing water.

We saw boats going by and ferries too.  Max woke up a little cranky so we hung out at the sea wall long enough for him to cheer up a bit.  I think he was a bit jet lagged.  Max calmed down considerably when we told him we would be taking a ferry boat the next day ourselves!

We drove through North Beach and Chinatown and Nicky and Max seemed to enjoy seeing  the crazy crowded street scenes.  We continued on to drive down Lombard Street, touted as "The Crookedest Street In The World".  To get there, we were driving straight  up the side of what seemed like an alpine mountain, and the trip down is like a roller coaster!  Really a gorgeous sight with the Pacific Ocean laid out in front of us.

Finally, we drove to the Castro District.  I had assured Nicky there were naked people walking around there.  At first we saw a wide range of characters, but nothing resembling a naked person.  We parked and looked for a place to get some liquid refreshments.  A bistro Alex and I had enjoyed in the past had closed, so we walked the length of the commercial section and "Voila" as Nicky and Max would say.  There was a man standing in the sun reading a newspaper completely starkers, nude, naked!  The sight made me and Nicky "clutch our pearls", but Max seemed not to notice at all.  After a couple of stunned seconds, Alex said "Wow!  He's really got an all over tan!"  Nicky and I agreed that he did and for a mad moment, discussed how we might take his photo, but we decided that would not be kosher.  We crossed the street and walked down to "Harvey's" for margaritas.  Nicky agreed these were the best margaritas ever!

We returned to the car to go home.  When we passed the corner where the naked man had been, we noticed there were a new bunch of nudie cuties standing around.  Nicky whipped out her camera and got one money shot that I know of.  She will have to choose to show it or not.

It was a good day!

Nicky's Bed

Nicky arrived on Monday afternoon last week with her gorgeous son Max.

She was standing on the sidewalk in a pair of shorts and Alex recognized her and Max before I did.  (Of course, with legs like Nicky's, every man in the row of cars was hoping he recognized her!)

We brought our charges home and got them settled in.  Max was thrilled with the wide variety of toys and such that we had for him to play with.  Although he loved his power rangers, he actually went crazy for a plastic rifle (machine gun?) and a plastic pistol.  Max is all boy!  He was a little bit shy for the first hour but soon relaxed enough to begin enjoying himself.

The only down side was that Zoe saw Max as the perfect playmate and would not leave him alone despite the fact that he screamed when she walked in the room.

A day or two later they were the best of friends and Max even allowed her to kiss him on the nose.  Still, I think Max preferred the rather sedate Harry who primarily sniffed him and found him acceptable and moved on.

Alex went out after something and came home with a bottle of Silver Oak Cabernet.  (He was showing off for Nicky as this is the most extravagant he ever gets.)  Actually I love her so much it was hard to keep from drooling when I looked at her.

Photos do not do Nicky justice in the first place.  She is tiny.  She has the most amazing eyes I have ever seen, the most perfect body ever created, and the prettiest lips you can even imagine.  Add to that her charm and sweetness and you get a small idea of how lovely and perfect a young woman can be.  Alex was totally in her thrall as well..  Not to sell Max short, he has his mother's beautiful lips, his handsome daddy's gorgeous face, and a personality that is well, just so French!  He made my heart sing!

We dined in the first night on chicken, rice and spinach.  Simple food but filling.  Before dinner, we also shared some magnificent cheese that Nicky brought with her and some petite agor that we had gotten before she arrived.  We drank some lovely wines and everyone went to bed relatively every since it had been a big day!

Considering that I already loved Nicky from knowing her the last 3 years, there were no surprises.  She was exactly how I knew she would be.  Perfect?  Yes.

This Is Why I've Been MIA

Nicky in front of my house.  Just kidding.

Yes, that really is the gorgeous and delightful Nicky of We Work For Cheese.  No, that is not my house.

Nicky and I have gone to San Francisco shopping and sightseeing.

We have been to beach at  Chrissie Field right next to the Golden Gate Bridge.

We have gone to a swank supper club in Oakland and had lunch at the beautiful Rotunda Restaurant in Neiman Marcus San Francisco.

We went to the Castro District and saw naked people (yes, totally naked) out basking in the sun.

We were joined on Friday by Jayne of In Jayne's World and Margaret of Nanny Goats in Panties and had a slumber party that lasted into the wee hours.

We all had lunch at an authentic German Beer Garden after walking around the annual Alameda Art and Wine Fesival with Nicky and her handsome, adorable and brilliant 4 year old son, Max. 

I'm going into detail with all the ups and downs, but not tonight as Nicky and Max leave very early in the morning and we need to get them packed up and ready to go.

Regular posting will begin tomorrow.  If I can get out of bed after all the adventures, that is.