Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Where Did He Go?

I have a husband.

My husband is the same one I've had for 21 years. His name is Alex.

From the time we got married, Alex has found places to hide from me. I don't know why he does this, but he does. At one point many years ago, I was mad at him and Alex hid in the house for 3 full hours. I never could find him until he came out of hiding. I searched everywhere. He had disappeared.

Over the 21 years of conjugal bliss, I have lost a lot of my passion. I no longer scream at my husband or try to shoot him. (That was a joke. I never tried to shoot him. Poison him? Maybe.) But even today, his disappearing act has continued.

Alex disappears for hours at a time. When I call him and say "Where are you?" He sometimes answers "Right here." But I have no idea where "right here" is. Our house has three levels, one being a full basement. That basement contains the laundry facilities and what can only be called "the man cave".

The house proper has 11 or 12 rooms. Now don't get excited because most of them are relatively modest. Because the house is 130 years old, there are lots and lots of weird spaces in it. If Alex chooses not to be found, he won't be.

I love my husband but this behavior of his can make me tired. I've been known to take off all of my clothing and run around the garden screaming "I'm free! I'm free!" very loudly until he comes out of hiding out of fear that the neighbors will call the police.

My Persian girlfriend and I used to run up the hall at work naked with a large black man on Friday afternoons screaming "I'm free!" That was very fun and that's why I still do it.

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