Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Crime Scene Clean Up

My husband Alex is a very accomplished man. He is Navajo and maintains many ties to his tribe and his family.

He's retired military and served for 25 years, and has a ton of ribbons, medals, and plaques to honor his accomplishments.

He's a gifted software programmer and a defense contractor. But I have finally learned that if he wants to change fields, I have just the perfect new career and company name for him: "Crime Scene Clean Up And You Don't Need To Move The Bodies"

Last night, I was having a little glass of wine in my office and looking at email. After a few minutes, I decided to go in the kitchen and catch the last few minutes of news. I picked up my wine glass (which contained about 2 ounces of red), and started out of the room. Somehow my high heel shoe got caught in the fringe from the rug in the office.

I realized I was going down (and not in a good way) so I tried to protect the glass. Uh huh. Save that red wine! Unfortunately, the wine flew in the air, glass broke and I flew in the air too, landing on my just diagnosed "Frozen Shoulder".

The fall knocked the wind out of me and I couldn't even scream at first. Then I was able to scream for help and scream I did. I was truly afraid to move since I felt like something important might be broken to shreds.

When Alex finally came to see what the screaming was about (and no, I don't usually scream, but Alex is a calm guy), his first reaction was "Oh My God! What a MESS! What happened?". Uh, what happened? He was of course referring to the broken glass on the floor, the wine splashed on the wall and the rugs. He was not referring to his wife, lying prone on the floor panting in pain. In fact, he said "Honey, let me help you up. We've got to get this cleaned up."

Uh, no Alex. I cannot move. I cannot get up. I may be paralyzed for life. You go ahead and clean up and I'll just lay here. Well, wouldn't you know it? That's exactly what he did! He sort of cleaned around me, all the while saying "Baby, are you okay?". Well, Shit, Honey, of course I'm not okay. Just finish up and then you can call 911. Seriously!

I did manage to let Alex drive me to the hospital ER and spent a lovely 4 hours there, getting xrayed and iced. I finally saw a lovely young Chinese Doctor (with blue braces on his teeth which made me feel a tad funny). He said I had contusions, but no fractures and that was good. The doc also put me in a splint.

I have to admit, the whole evening was one of those "Other than that, How did you like the play, Mrs. Lincoln" deals. Still all's well that ends well. The wine is off the walls and the rugs, and the broken glass is cleaned up. And I know Alex could get a new job at crime scenes with no doubt!

Oh, and that wretched fall may have busted up some of the ice in my Frozen Shoulder. At least I hope!


  1. I'm so sorry for your shoulder and that lost wine. What a funny guy that Alex is. If I fell no one would notice unless I fell in front of the fridge. If it were to happen in the laundry room I'd die from dehydration or starvation since no one but me goes in there. I'm glad you are okay but hope you feel better soon.

  2. Thanks Jen. It's always better to laugh than cry (or sometimes anyway). I'm just sayin...

  3. I told you those shoes were no good! Me, I'm wearing my running shoes to school because I have plantar fasciitis from running too much over the weekend. Hope no one has plans to shoot me to put me out of my misery. As for you, I'm sorry about your fall.

  4. OMG....be careful!! I guess if you want to look at the good side of this....at least you didn't have to clean up the mess. And oh yeah....doctors and policemen and firemen too....they all look like babies now! It wasn't that long ago they were ALWAYS a lot older than me!!! What happened! LOL

  5. Kate, admit it, you are jealous of your Mother In Law's hussy shoes! I'm sorry about the planter fascilitis (but now have to look up what it is!)

    Val, I am careful! But Honey, That's why they call it an accident. And under the heading of it could have been worse, I coulda' hit my head, I could have broken my fall with my hands and gotten a broken wrist out of it, or I could have fallen on my good shoulder. Oy vey! And yeah, I don't know how those people all got so young all at once! Blue braces indeed!

  6. I'm so glad you're okay and that Alex was there and you weren't alone. I hope you poured yourself another glass of wine when you got home -- although maybe in a "sippy cup" this time. ;)

    Hugs, Jayne

  7. Jayne, you are a girl after my own heart! But, naw, they gave me vicodan at the hospital so no drinkie drinkie!

  8. Wow! You're starting to take after me, Linda... falling down and all. I'd send you a new bottle of wine, but the post office frowns upon that sort of thing.

    Actually, I could use someone like Alex around here to clean up the mess around me after I go crashing to the floor! Ha!

    Just glad to hear you're okay and not too much worse for wear... hope the frozen shoulder got jolted free. (There has to be some silver lining in all this!)

  9. I hope you are okay. I have a feeling my hubby would do the same thing. I'm not sure that he would notice until someone drew a chalk outline. At least you cn get a laugh out of the whole situation. Hope you heal quickly.

  10. Ouch! I could just see the glass and wine falling in slow motion as you tried to rescue it! Thats something I would do. Hope you feel better soon.

  11. Geez, Louise, Linnie! I'm sending you a very gentle hug. The two of us "Babes from Old Westlake" seem to be prone to falling. Do you think it's our name? I'm sorry my friend is hurtin' for certain. Awwwww.... xoxoxo

  12. Cassandra, imagine the scene in Freida (Salma Hyack) in the bus accident. She was so beautiful and the gold flakes were amazing even if she did get impaled with a pole. Okay, picture me! A little fat, 25 years older, (at least) and not graceful. Yeah, you get it!

    Thanks Linnie!

    Cat Lady, I told you we were related!

  13. Thank you Gayle! Okay? Naw, but I'll get there!