Sunday, September 19, 2010

Stepping Back From The Edge

I'm deathly afraid of heights.

My palms sweat and I feel like I'm hyperventilating when I climb a ladder.

I've been known to get on the floor of a car as we go through the Big Sur area of California, begging the driver to let me walk so I won't be so terrified and sure my heart is going to explode from fear.

Roller coasters are not my friends.

So why do I push myself to go to the very edge of every cliff just to see what happens. I have to look over the side. Why? I really don't know.

I'm afraid but also attracted to what I'm most afraid of. Do I have a death wish? Maybe, but I think not. It's more about conquering what I fear the most.

The edge of the cliff is irresistible to me. I always walk to the edge just to prove I can. I do this with everything in my life, from relationships to financial decisions, to poker hands. I find clarity in the experience. And I find salvation when I can step back.

I think the experience of stepping to the edge of the cliff gives me the courage to know I can go on no matter how afraid I may be. I've been to the edge so many times.

But I've always stepped back in time.

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