What Am I To Make Of This???

This came in the mail this week, to "Alexia". Now I am curious, is there any connection to my husband Alex?

I have no real problem with Alex wanting Victoria Secret lingerie, but I wonder where he signed up to order it.

I am glad he gets a free panty though. Free panties are always good, aren't they? Still, since I do not like Victoria's Secret stuff, I know he didn't order it for me. Was it for him?

When I was first married and 19, I used to love wearing my husbands tighty whities. Still, at Alex's age, I thought we had gotten all past that. I had my moments, but he should have too at this point.

Living with Alex, I have seen no real evidence, but I still worry. Is this why those little pink panties of mine have the sprung crotch? And when did he start using the name Alexia?

Playing Dress Up

It's always been my favorite way to stop being bored. I love dressing up in makeshift costumes.

Alex has come home to find me in a black abaya, complete with the veil, enhanced with long false eyelashes because the eyes are the only thing showing, don't you know. That was a fun one.

I've also done a somewhat chubby ninja for Alex's amusement, but the result was not as fetching as I had hoped for. Leotards require a bit less in certain areas where I may overflow just a bit.

I can always pull out the long black wig, wiggle into a low cut black cocktail dress and voila! Elvira, Mistress of the Dark! But anybody can do that one. I like more extreme costumes.

The Catholic schoolgirl deal is really fun, particularly with high heels. Actually, it's one of my favorites if I am in a particularly slutty frame of mind. (Of course, that doesn't happen often.)

I have a nurse's uniform complete with perky little cap, the white pantyhose and high heeled orthopedic white shoes. I can also do a great Marian the Librarian.

I got a boyfriend one time in the laundry room of my apartment house. I was wearing a gorgeous kimono with a fresh big white gardenia in my hair (which was long and black at the time and held up with fancy chop sticks). Come on! What dude is going to ignore that in the laundry room? Let's get serious.

Chico, the jazz musician who used to live next door to me had a girlfriend, Lisa, who was an exotic dancer. She gave me the most incredible black satin rhinestone encrusted g-string and matching bra. I've had so many years of fun with that! Actually, I passed the outfit on to my Aunt in Oklahoma for her 80th birthday. Yes, she did have a new boyfriend and he liked it too.

I have also done rough biker woman, complete with a bunch of fake tattoos and lots and lots of leather and silver. Or maybe that was just what I felt like wearing to the grocery store that day, I can't remember.

I've also done the Navy crackerjacks and they are great too. The only thing I haven't tried is a nun's habit. Those are harder to come by for some reason.

Costumes are really not just for Halloween.

Bringing ADD Into Jayne's World (Continued)

Jayne has a magical cottage on a beautiful lavender farm. We were in awe of the landscape by the time we drove through a canopy of trees to her place.

At first glance, I couldn't tell it was Jayne standing there, because she looked like a 17 year old girl and a tiny one at that! When I saw the pretty red hair, I figured out this really was the Jayne I have admired for so long.

(Up close, she doesn't look 17. She looks about 30.) Uh huh. True that! And I'm amazed that I still love her, but I do. I also love Dixie, her chihuahua and her beautiful kitty, Mason. (Mason is really Dixie's pet as she selected him as her companion from the Shelter.)

Jayne, is witty, warm, and wonderful. Both Alex and I were dazzled with her cottage and even more so with Jayne herself! We had a lovely dinner and made plans to "do some stuff" the next day.

The next morning, we took a ride to see one of Jayne's horses, Bubba, who is a gorgeous and lovely older guy. Here is Jayne mucking out his stall while Bubba just hangs out looking pretty.

This photo was taken outside of Bubba's pen, because I am slightly (slightly? hah!) afraid of horses. Jayne told me to come on in and I eventually did. Bubba did not bite me or trample me, but I did keep a close eye on him.

I don't know this billy goat's name, but we have pretty much the same color hair. Goats are cool too! I was reminded of when Alex and I got married and Alex's mom was worried about having to buy 4 sheep and a goat for my mother and that can get expensive.

Fortunately for my mother-in-law, my mother lived in an apartment and had to refuse the lovely traditional Navajo dowry from my husband's mother.


We drove over to where another of Jayne's horses is stalled. When she brought out the beautiful and brawny Levi, I was stunned with his beauty.

And if any of you have questioned Jayne's claim to a "Size 4 Ass" enlarge this photo. This cannot be faked. I really had no idea butts came this small! Jayne also has a "Scarlett O'Hara" sized waist. Sometimes life just isn't fair!

Levi is such a handsome and funny guy. I got over my trepidation enough to feed him some carrots and even let him nuzzle the back of my neck and chew on my shoulder a bit. He's breathtaking!

There is something really amazing watching Jayne pushing around these magnificent creatures, sometimes just with the force of her "will". I guess the animals know who is in charge, and in this case, it's a 105 pound woman with determination!

We had a fabulous time that also included a picnic by a beautiful pond, wine tasting, getting some fresh peaches off the tree, seeing llamas on a neighbor's farm, seeing some bighorn cattle, deer, and the only traumatic part of the whole trip, getting 6 farm fresh eggs.

I followed Jayne into the hen house, and one of the chickens went all psycho on my ass, flying at me and screeching at the top of it's lungs, feathers flying everywhere in outrage. She must have mistaken me for a predator. I mistook her as an extra from the old Alfred Hitchcock movie "The Birds". I screamed bloody murder and ran for my life, nearly falling, since I was being chased by a murderous, wing-flapping chicken. Yeah, Jayne and Alex laughed at me. Twits!

Anyway, we had a fabulous trip and I'm trying to convince Jayne to come and see us.

Bringing ADD Into Jayne's World

Jayne is part wood nymph, part cowgirl, part glamor girl, part philosopher, but all of her is beautiful woman. (And, yes, that is Jayne under the canopy of trees!)

Alex and I tossed Harry and Honey in the wagon and took the 300 mile drive down to see Jayne on Friday. She lives in a gorgeous spot located in the Santa Ynez Valley of California. This area is the heartland of the Central Valley wine country, which made it obviously very appealing to winos like me and Alex.

I telephoned Jayne to tell her we were leaving about 8:30 AM on Friday, because I also wanted to make sure I had the correct phone number, because yeah, that might have been a problem. (I've done it before because I transpose numbers as well as having a hard time following directions.)

I walked out to the car to find Alex fiddling around with plastic things he orders to hold his "equipment". He has his GPS, his iphone, his map holder, his cup holder, his dvd player, his itunes to scan, his books on tape, his kleenex holder, etc. and they all have to be assembled "just so". (Why anyone wants to have holders for everything is beyond me.)

Alex gets advertisements from a company that offers "stuff for BMW's" and he orders it all. Never mind that it is all plastic, cheaply made and falls apart all the time. I sat in the car and watched Alex try and hook up his plastic stuff for 50 minutes. The directions were not that hard. Get on Highway 101 and stay there.

Alex also noticed then that we needed fuel. Then there were two required trips (traveling with Alex) back home to drop off things not needed and pick up things forgotten. It was 10:30 before we were actually on the road.

Jayne told us we would be driving about 4 hours after we hit San Jose (which is about an hour from where we live). It was a lovely and uneventful drive except for having to pull over about 20 times because Harry has anxiety attacks when he doesn't recognize an area. (Harry is afraid of the "country", "trees", and "loud noises".) Honey just sleeps while Harry whimpers and barks.

We got to our hotel about 3:00 PM, and I called Jayne and got directions to where she lives. Because I have trouble following directions, I finally handed the phone to Alex to have her repeat the instructions to him. I should have gotten nervous when I heard him repeat "Got it!" about 10 times, and I know he's got ADD even if nobody else acknowledges it.

I told Jayne we would see her shortly and we headed out after feeding the dogs, and running to the store because I had packed for everyone, but walked out without any toiletries or cosmetics for me which is simply not acceptable in Linda's World.

Alex had assured me we were only about 1/2 hour from Jayne's, so I figured he knew what he was talking about, (always a dangerous assumption). We were late getting to Jayne's house because Alex had said "got it" and Jayne and I assumed he meant "got the directions" when he had in fact, "got the baseball scores" while she was talking to him. Alex tunes out when people talk to him and he has the iphone in his hand.

If Alex had really listened to Jayne, he would have realized that we were closer to an hour away from her place since we were staying in Lompoc, a rather funny place and not very posh if you get my drift.

Alex and I do this kind of thing again and again. I talk, he doesn't listen. Still, Jayne kept her humor and wasn't mad at us when we got there about an hour after she expected us. She had also detailed to Alex exactly how to take the path to the right to her house. So Alex and I wandered down the path to the left of course. It's just par for the course when we travel.

(To be continued...)

Steel Bars

I've wondered sometimes if I have a proclivity for crime. I think the answer is probably yes.

The only thing that keeps me from committing a crime is that it would have to be "worth the risk", and I'm not sure that involves any upstanding moral concept at all.

I really can't image shoplifting something because if I got caught, how humiliating! Petty theft is just so not me. (Grand larceny? Maybe.) Nor could I hit somebody over the head to take their money. Oh I might hit somebody over the head if it was a misbehaving husband but that's totally different.

Quite a few years ago, there was a computer generated error on my paycheck and I received a check for $178,216.22 for two weeks work. I thought it was hysterically funny and called my daughter and told her to grab our passports and meet me at the Pan Am counter at the San Francisco airport.

I finally told her I was kidding and she was a bit disappointed. I also showed the check to all my co-workers before I took it in to the president of the company and asked if I had been given a nice raise or if this was a bonus for the impromptu lap dance I had given him at the Christmas party.

Now, if that check was for $3 or $4 million dollars, and I thought I could get out of the country before the error was discovered, I might have gone for it. (Remember this was about 25 years ago when 3 or 4 mil was worth 3 or 4 mil.) As it is, it simply wasn't enough money to take and run with. I have expensive tastes.

When I was in my 20's, I was propositioned by an airline pilot who wanted to "have a friend" in San Francisco when he came through town. I was highly insulted when he said he would pay my rent for the privilege. Excuse me, my rent? Now, if he had offered to buy me a house, a car, a racehorse, and a boat, who knows! (I'm kidding about the boat. I hate boats.)

I did egg a man's house one night but that was deserved and involved a little too much tequila.

So sometimes, I have to ask myself if the price is right, would I?

The Tragic Death of Le Petit Poisson

My daughter called yesterday in tears. Her beloved goldfish (Le Petit Poisson) had died unexpectedly in his fishbowl at the tender age of not very old.

She had been afraid to name him (or her, as the case may be) because she had lost so many goldfish in the past.

Le Petit Poisson, however, was not just an ordinary goldfish. He was a gift from a good friend for Persian New Years and he had qualities not normally attributed to goldfish.

When anyone approached his bowl, he came up to the top of the water and tried his best to communicate. He actually jumped up out of the water to say hello! My daughter and her husband hired “fish sitters” for Le Petit Poisson when they traveled. He was a happy and loving fish; everyone said so! Le Petit Poisson even knew how to smile and I'm sure you will agree, that is rare in a goldfish! I fully understood my daughter's unhappiness over losing him.

Ten years ago, my husband and I had a marvelous sixty-gallon tank of freshwater fish. There were about thirty inhabitants of the aquarium. Two fish stood out: Snow and Jake. We got Snow from Lucky Goldfish in Oakland and she was a gorgeous large white molly. Jake was obtained some time later from Petco in Alameda.

Snow, from the time we brought her home, was a very depressed girl fish. She hung around at the bottom of the tank and looked near death for the first two weeks we had her. She put on weight even though she seemed to stop eating, and was letting herself go. There was nothing we could do to help her. Jasmine (one of our other female fish) used to go by and bite Snow every chance she got. The largest male fish (Lester) in the tank who impregnated at least half of the females, completely ignored Snow. Millie and Annette seemed to be smirking at Snow most of the time. Delilah used to nip at Snow every time she passed her. In other words, she was not the most popular girl in the school. (By the way, each and every one of those fish had a name.)

When we brought home Jake (a very small black molly male fish), everything changed. Jake, was a natural leader. He quickly became leader of the tank. Nobody messed with Jake. He was small, wiry, and probably quite intelligent for a fish. Jake had charisma. Simple as that.

He made it his mission in life to pursue and win the affections of the shy and reclusive Snow. She lost a little weight, got off of the bottom of the tank and started getting some exercise. Snow also began to fix herself up a bit an behaved like a much perkier fish than she had been before. The spunky little Jake became her constant companion and she was no longer a girl on life support!

I had a difficult time leaving for work in the morning because I wanted to see what was going to happen next.

When my husband and I decided it was time to clean the aquarium, neither Jake nor Snow lived through the experience. At least they died together. We were heartbroken. Alex asked me in a hushed tone if he should flush them down the toilet. Men can be absurd. I found a little wooden box and placed them side by side on some seaweed and we buried them in the garden. I used sticks to make a little cross as a marker for their grave. I really have no idea if they were Christian fish or not, but it was the best I could do.

About two years later, when a severe sickness swept the aquarium, we lost them all. I can’t imagine ever going though such a terrible period again.

In any case, Le Petit Poisson gave so much pleasure to so many people. I’m so sorry he (or she) is gone.

It's Not Easy Being Alex

When Alex was in the Middle East at the beginning of the Iraq War, he had a dear soldier friend named Sandi.

Sandi hung out with Alex all the time. She told him all of her personal problems, (she was breaking up with her boyfriend and needed a new place to live when she came back to the States). He was just her "go to" guy.

Sandi was kind of a groupie to Alex. Not only did Alex "mentor" Sandi, but he also "mentioned" her often in his emails and phone calls.

First thing you should know about me is that I am not the jealous type. Since their deployment was coming to an end, I told Alex to invite Sandi to come and stay with us when they got back since we have this big old house and plenty of room.

Further, it would give him someone he could talk to and share his recent experiences with. Sandi would have a place to stay until she found her own apartment, and that would be nice. I stopped hearing about Sandi. Maybe Alex had just mentored out or something.

I met Sandi at Alex's Air Force retirement party last year. She was a very cute big girl, and I really can't judge how she dressed in real life because she was in uniform. I love men and women in uniform.

This was not Alex's first "kinda" girlfriend. A few years earlier, there was Bernice.

Bernice was also a big girl. (As Alex always says, “Ain’t nothing wrong with a big Papago woman”.) Okay, Bernice was not a Papago woman, but she was not petite. Before you think I'm being critical of Papago women, I assure you I am not. They are beautiful women but they tend to run to well over six feet tall and weigh in between 200 and 250 pounds on average.

Bernice worked with Alex for a number of years and apparently developed a rather close personal relationship with him. I think Alex was somewhat flattered and slightly unsure about how he should behave with her. Alex asked me if I would mind if he helped Bernice move into her new house and I told him “of course not, Honey. Help your friend." I tend to not be the jealous type as I said before.

At my request, Alex brought Bernice home for dinner several weeks after helping her move into her new home. He asked me if I would help her find a dress for the company Christmas Party. I said sure.

I thought, "Well, hell’s bells! Why not fix her up a little bit?" I’m sorry, but for my husband to have a “girlfriend” who is not nearly as stylish as me is just ridiculous!

I fed Bernice and Alex dinner and then we hit the stores. There are several stores near us that cater to the “fuller-figured woman” and at about a size eighteen, Bernice qualified as fuller-figured. As we approached one of the stores, Bernice stopped in her tracks and said, “Let’s go to Forever 21.” (Now this gal was pushing 40, if she was a day! But okay, why not?) I think "Forever 21" caters to the 17 to 22 year old crowd of girls with little taste and less money, but then I can be a little prejudiced when it comes to polyester.

By this time, Alex had the good grace to begin to look slightly uncomfortable. His girlfriend had been giving him “meaningful glances” and trying to share some "inside" jokes with him all evening. His eyes kept darting nervously between Bernice and me.

Bernice found a couple of very skimpy “cocktail” dresses in size “Large” and repaired to the dressing rooms. She came out, poured, stuffed, and oozing out of a dress and said to Alex (not me) “What do you think?”

Alex looked like he wanted the ground to swallow him up. He replied to Bernice, “That’s fine." "Honey", (me, Honey, not her) "What do you think?”

I said diplomatically, “Bernice, that color is lovely on you, but I think it’s pulling a little bit at the seams.”

Bernice shot me a furious look and said, “Well, Alex if you like it, this is the one I’m getting.” I smiled and nodded at them both and waved my hand slightly indicating approval or something.

Bernice went to change back into her regular clothes and Alex looked at the floor. He simply would not look up at me. Bernice paid for her purchases and we drove her home.

Oh Alex.